Self Acceptance

Self Acceptance

It has taken me such a long time to realise this is the secret to a happy and peaceful life.

We spend so much of our lives working on self-improvement based on what we believe we should be, which is dictated by our media. We have to have a certain type of house with an income to match. All the best things in our home and the right labels on our clothes. Eat at the right restaurants, be seen at the right places, holiday where the cool people holiday.

But what are we living up to? It is an idea, a perception of what life should be like, when in reality it is a manufactured representation of what the perfect life should look like all to keep us in line and slaves to the system.

Happiness is something we seek, something we convince ourselves is at the end of the rainbow, or will come with the right job and when we live in a certain neighbourhood. When all we have to do, is decide to be happy. It is that simple. Why do we invest so much of ourselves in focusing on what we don’t have instead of just being grateful for what we do have? Why do we allow others to dictate to us how we should live our lives just because that is what they are doing? Happiness is a state of being not somewhere we aim to be based on certain contingencies.

Our media is so full of depictions of what is considered the good life. We focus on acquiring rather than experiencing. A new addiction we face is hoarding to fill a void instead of focusing on taking care of ourselves.

We neglect our family and friends based on what we believe we should have and do. So many people working long and relentless hours in jobs we hate all for a big house and a lifestyle rather than focus on what matters. And we are trapped in a vicious cycle because we have forfeited our lives to paying of things we really can’t afford and don’t need.

We hide who we really are because we are so afraid that others may find out who we truly are and then we will be considered a fraud and a loser.

None of us are perfect and we aren’t meant to be. We aren’t all meant to be rich and famous. And we don’t need that $10,000 watch when a $50 one will serve the same purpose.

I know I am not perfect and I will never pretend to be. I accept my flaws and my inconsistencies. I have made mistakes and failed at life many times. But in my heart of an a good human being. I work hard and I contribute to society in a meaningful way. I have worked in high pressure management positions and cleaned houses for a living. It doesn’t matter to me what I do for a living as long as I pay my bills and keep a roof over my head. Put food on the table and sleep in a warm bed at night. I love and laugh and am there for my friends when they need me.

I don’t make excuses for who I am or where I live. I am me and I know I do everything I do with the best intentions.

Self-Acceptance is about recognising who you are, flaws and all. But also recognising what incredible human beings we all are. We are all here for a purpose, for a reason. We all belong and we all matter. Just because someone in our lives can’t see this, that is more about them than it was ever about us. Gauging ourselves by someone else’s standards is a way of always setting ourselves up to fail.

Live, laugh and love with your whole heart and don’t worry about how the other half lives, because you may just find true happiness and what you are good at. Besides chances are the other half are miserable and life is just one big disappointment after another. Why live a life where you are a slave to big corporations and banks just to feel like you belong to an image that is not real.

Life is way too short for that




Humans are rather curious creatures. We often feel the need to connect with others as a way of feeling like we belong, we fit in. We are at heart social creatures.

We crave touch and connection, we feel the need to belong to a pack. We need to know our place in the world. Centuries ago we didn’t have to deal with this kind of need, because we always belonged somewhere. Large families, small villages and communities, Farming communities where the work load was shared. But today we find ourselves living a very disconnected existence.

With the ability to travel further we have ventured out of our little communities in search of adventure and now find ourselves separated from our kind, our family. We strive to build and own bigger homes and our families are smaller. Where once an entire family would live in a small apartment or house, sometimes more that 4 children and often our parents would live with us, we are now having fewer children and we are living our lives in so much space, to the point where a family of two adults and two children are so disconnected they live in separate parts of one house. Often using phones and texting to communicate with one another.

Then there is the other side to this. We crave so much that connection with another human being that we often settle for someone who may not have the best of intentions. Or may have had a life where they feel they are owed and they use others for the sole purpose of fulfilling their ego needs. Often they are damaged individuals themselves.

This often happens in an abusive relationship. A vulnerable person is targeted by someone who has the need to control and be in control, in spite of the fact their life is so out of control. They often suppress their true identity till they have lured their victim into their web of lies and falseness. It is only then that they reveal their true visage.

As children we need parents and significant adults to give us that connection, to provide us with a protective environment, where we can feel safe and as we grow we venture out into the world and discover what it has to offer. But not all children come from this kind of situation, some spend their entire childhood terrified of upsetting their parents or siblings. Being subjected to abuse in a number of ways. Being emotionally neglected is a painful experience. People you thought were there for you did not live up to their responsibilities.

So as adults we venture out into the world with a skewed way of thinking and believing. We have grown up believing this dysfunction is perfect normal and as a result we seek relationships that mirror what we know, not realising this isn’t what we need. We have a subconscious desire to get the love from the very people who should have loved us unconditionally, who should have been there for us.

This is why we feel drawn to those predators who prey on our weaknesses and exploit it. Our souls are stripped bare and we have no will left to find a better way to live. A part of us is aware of the dysfunction but we believe we deserve no better.

We need to connect again as communities, and to some degree we have done this with the help of Facebook and other forms of social media. Unfortunately, it has also provided an environment for the predators among us and because we can’t see their faces or physical presence we are even more vulnerable. We are even less likely to realise who we are dealing with.

Trust our instincts when it comes to people. There is a part of us that signals when something is not right and we need to trust that. Our need for nurturance is what gets in our way. We have begun to believe we can only be whole if we connect with others and yet each one of us has the ability to provide that nurturance and connection for ourselves.

We are born whole and complete, we have everything we need.






A Question of Faith

A Question of Faith

It has been a few weeks since my last post. I have had some introspection time. It was well needed and deserved. I have always felt I am a spiritual being, I have faith that there is more to this world than what we physically see and touch. I don’t hold sway with a lot of organised religions as they seem too dogmatic to me. But it doesn’t mean I don’t find some value in what they do and believe.

All religions have good aspects to them. It is the cults that worry me. How they brainwash their believers who dedicate their lives to a belief system and give up so much all for a self-proclaimed guru who appears to have all the answers but doesn’t live by the rules set up to control the masses.

For me faith, belief, spirituality is a very personal thing. No one doctrine fits all. I meditate because it helps me quiet my mind and find an inner peace for myself. But I am no Buddhist. I love the idea of the Muslim sense of community and family and yet I am not a Muslim. I love Crystals and tarot cards and many of the eastern philosophies healing techniques but I am neither Hindu or Sikh or Taoist; etc. I follow many of the Pagan Traditions as well as the Christian holidays but I don’t identify with either. My heritage is Gypsy and Celtic, with a bit of Norse thrown in, hence the red hair, but I don’t exclusively identify with any of these cultures, but I value nature and herbal remedies as well as equality. I was baptised Anglican or Church of England but I don’t follow their principles.

For me personally I am not against any faith or belief system, I may not agree with certain things but I would never pass aspersions on any religion, etc, based on a lack of a lack of knowledge or how they are portrayed in the media.

Often times, when religion is used as an excuse for bad behaviour this has nothing to do with the religion itself, it has everything to do with someone’s hidden agenda who may have a score to settle. And this is sad indeed.

What worries me today is the move to “New Age”. But in many instances there is nothing new age about it, the healing techniques and doctrines have been around for centuries. And as with the cults, sects, extremist and right-wing groups forming all over the world, people are being brainwashed and conned all for the greed of a few. And this happens with pretty much everything today.

So many self-help books are being produced with some miracle cure for today’s problems and maladies. The sad reality is so many people fall for it. Recently a spiritual celebrity publicly denounced all she had been preaching and peddling for 20+ years. Having made millions off selling her wares she has now become a born again Christian. So many people were incensed and angry. Millions of followers all over the world believed what she taught and bought her books and cards. I have some of her Cards myself. To me this was just a case of someone trying to help people find their way to peace and happiness and she hadn’t really done that herself. I am not saying she is an egotistical charlatan, but so many people followed her blindly.

So many psychic fairs happen all over the world, people flock to them for answers, and there is nothing wrong with that. I have friends who set up stalls and tables for readings and products they have to help people to find what they are looking for in their lives. And I fully support them in what they are doing. And making a living out of something you love is the best feeling in the world. But there are those who are in it purely for the money and will sell their own mother if it gets them what they want.

A few years ago I was signing myself up for so many courses, trying to find my answers and my place in this world. And unfortunately I was conned and taken for my money by someone who only cared about what they could get out of it. Imagine paying $1600 to learn the Tarot. Luckily I figured it out after only a few weeks, but still that was a waste of money that could have been better utilized. This person has unfortunately gone on to change her name and started up a new website and Facebook page to continue to feed her ego and her lifestyle. I am now learning it for free, but the teacher has had to take legal action against someone who has been plagiarizing her work and making money off unsuspecting victims.

This is the kind of thing that annoys me and has made me wary of con artists. And in all walks of life they are there, ready to pounce on any unsuspecting victim. Most media sites, dating sites; etc, have become territory to the predators of the world who prey on unsuspecting victims who reach out because they are lonely and vulnerable, wanting that connection and being so trusting and naïve to the true identity of evil itself.

In my own journey with my faith I have realised I don’t fit into any one ideal, I follow my own path and believe what I do. I take from each belief system what works for me. I have given up fitting in with any one social, political, cultural, spiritual group because I have discovered I have specific needs that only I can fulfil. I have given up the need to fit in. It would be nice to find a group of friends who I can spend time with and feel like I belong quirks and all. I believe I have found that with my Facebook friends, some of whom I have met and love their company. Maybe I am a loner, and I can share my own journey with those who feel like I do.


Big Scary Monsters.

Big Scary Monsters.


That is my big scary monster. It keeps me from doing the very thing I need to. It holds me frozen to the spot. I know life can be better if I just take that step but I am held back by fear.

Fear of failure, fear of loneliness, fear of rejection. Fear of admitting weakness, fear of the unknown, fear of being judged. And yet fear is something we create in our minds and it can be fed by our thoughts and beliefs. Others can sense this fear and use it against you to control you and immobilize you into submission.

I suppose acknowledging your fears is one step in the right direction, but when you find yourself in an unreliable and unstable position, whether it be of your own doing or that of others, acknowledging and doing something to change your life is two entirely different kettles of fish.

There is a strength within me that I have drawn on many times, but now for some reason, I am hesitant to call upon it. I don’t have the support network I had before and being much older I have lost that invincibility that we all had in our youth. I have a couple of friends who support me whatever I choose to do but I am so scared to get away from the devil I know.

Once you reach a certain age, you have a sense of self but also a sense of how vulnerable we really are. How fragile we really are.  And loneliness is a big issue with older people. We struggle to connect with new people. And often have a lack of trust towards others because of the actions of those who shared your life at one point and betrayed your trust.

Logic tells me I can do this because experience has proving it time and time again. It’s just that crazy thing called fear, holding me back.


The Scheme of Things

The Scheme of Things

I suppose we all have our way of dealing with life’s hiccups and the things that go wrong, the mistakes we make in life. It may seem a bit crazy to someone else but if it works and these issues get sorted, then what does it matter.

But then there are those who, rather than admit their mistakes, they blame others, and take their anger and disappointment, as well as their feelings of failure out on someone else. Especially if that person happens to have a lot of the life skills one needs to deal with failure and sorting problems out.

They bully and abuse their victims, even using the silent treatment and doing everything to make their victims feel like it is their fault the abuser messed.

Rather than accept responsibility for what went wrong and see what part they played in it, they never seem to understand and realise the impact their behaviour, decisions and choices and how it led to the problems they now face. And this is where the scheming part comes in, another hair-brained plan comes to fruition where they can continue to follow the same path they have always done.

They hang onto this scheme like a dog with an old bone, it doesn’t matter how many times they fail they just keep at the same old tired routine and wonder why it never works out for the better. Meanwhile their victims are left licking their wounds wondering what happened. Their poor victims not only has to sort out the mess that was left behind, they also have to struggle daily with the uncertainty of life with this person.

So many people often question why someone would want to stay in this situation, but what they don’t understand is the frame of mind of the victim. Imagine day in and day out someone makes little remarks about you and what you do and say, they bully you, everything is said to demean your self-esteem, you are made to question your sanity and abilities, you question your relationship skills, you wonder what you did that could have caused them to turn on you in such a way. But because you don’t have the mind of the Schemer, the abuser, the manipulator, you can never begin to understand what goes on in their minds.

Being worn down every day, like a river does to a rock, you don’t notice the damage until it is done. Whatever independence you had, self-esteem, financial security, has been whittled away till there is nothing left.

And the schemer continues about their business, unaware of the damage they have done to another human being,  not understanding the pain they have inflicted, and all simply because they have dealt with their own pain in the only way they know how, but don’t understanding the consequences of what they have done.

The damage done to the psyche of the victims, the impact on their financial as well as physical and mental well-being. And the Schemer goes about their business happy and content because they got their way and they can continue to behave exactly has they have always done.











All By Myself

All By Myself

Often being alone can be a good thing. You have a chance to be with your thoughts and enjoying being on your own. For some of us being alone is cathartic, and I need my alone time, it is what keeps me sane.

But there is a bad side to it. If you are an over thinker, being alone with your thoughts can be the worst thing you can do, unless you have some good distraction techniques. I have been an over thinker but with the great coping skills I have picked up over time, I often used alone time to be mindful of my surroundings, and complete household and occupation related tasks with no distractions.

Have you ever found yourself in a room or houseful of people and felt so alone. I sometimes have this happen. There can be someone in the next room, you can hear them, you know they are there, but you behave like two strangers. You pet shows more attention and acknowledgement when you enter the room that this person.

You try to engage in a conversation, interact with this person but you are rebuffed at every attempt. You have shared a good part of your life with this person, you have been through some of your worst life stuff in their presence. But all you receive is cold emptiness. You share living arrangements and a marriage certificate but this is just a piece of paper. It could be a sibling or a parent but you still believe living alone or being alone is a much better alternative. Circumstances may dictate your choices at that moment, and you realise there is nothing left, to salvage, but you still have a commitment to this person, you still have some feelings and a need to connect.

Some relationships are extremely complicated, abusive ones can be this way, having been beaten down by words you know aren’t true you have little left within you to fight for what you deserve. Every day it is a struggle and you know you have PTSD or Stockholm Syndrome but you are drawn to this person like a moth to a flame. They create this need in you to be dependant on them, you believe you are nothing without them. But common sense and logic tells you, you deserve so much better but still those intrusive thoughts keep you chained to a prison that you didn’t create and didn’t choose.

You feel worn out, totally drained, you feel you have nothing left, but you crave the connection they once promised you, but you know you will never get it.


Life in a Nutshell

It has been several months since my last post on here. And to be honest I really can’t say why? Not sure if I lost myself or just couldn’t be bothered. I really don’t know.

Life is just getting too hard. Where do I begin?

I am angry and frustrated that life is still a big shit pile of problems and debts. I am anxious because there is so much uncertainty. I have been working hard on myself and have realised I play the victim a lot of the time. Simply because I feel the need to justify why I feel the way I do. I feel I have to defend myself constantly and not sure if it is just old behavioural patterns so ingrained I can’t help falling back into old habits when things get tough, or just because it’s easier than doing the hard work and taking responsibility for my life.

Recently I spent a few days in hospital because of an antidepressant medication I was taking. I developed serotonin syndrome from taking Valium. The surprising part was I only ever took half the dose and only when I needed it. But leading up to my hospital stay a lot of stress was causing me to take it everyday. So now I have to live without it. And my other medication escitolapram isn’t enough to keep my anxiety  at bay so I can function. I am okay at home by myself and with my cat, until my partner comes home and then I am on edge all the time till he goes to bed.

My partner is a source of much of my stress and problems. He lives life by the seat of his pants, with finances and his own wellbeing. He had a prescribed medication addiction as well as over the counter medication. And had just recently been labelled a doctor shopper because of it. I knew this would eventually happen, so he is the one who has to live with the consequences of his actions. Unfortunately this has impacted on our financial situation and that affects me. He is unemployable because he is accident prone and too arrogant to listen to his employers. And his attitude to wards money is terrible. His spending habits are so haphazard and spontaneous with no consideration for how to pay for things. If money is in his account he spends it, not considering that maybe tomorrow he has to make a car payment or loan payment.

I have realised I have a co-dependency issue with my relationship. I live with a narcissist who had systematically stripped me of my independence and self-esteem. And it happened on such a subtle level I was totally unaware of what was happening. I have always been such an independent and strong individual but I fear for my welfare if I leave him, because he has instilled in me a sense of fear that has crippled me.

I thought this man was the answer to my prayers, he was so kind and considerate and caring, but now he might as well be my prison guard and abuser. Which he is actually. Imagine living in a perpetual world of doubt and uncertainty, this is what I live every day. I suffer from PTSD along with BPD, Anxiety and bouts of Depression. This person has preyed on my mental health issues and has used them against me. That is what narcissists and sociopath do.

I find myself on a long road to recovery yet again. Not just with my self-esteem but with my health, my income and financial stability, my whole life. I have to heal from the abuse, build my self esteem and recover my life. I have no family to depend on, no car to get me out of here, no money and I am on a sickness benefit. I struggle to keep my home business going, and have resorted to doing online surveys for a bit of extra cash. I hate the life I have to live and the fact that my escape is something I have to work towards but I have no choice.

And so the struggle begins……..