Self Acceptance

Self Acceptance

It has taken me such a long time to realise this is the secret to a happy and peaceful life.

We spend so much of our lives working on self-improvement based on what we believe we should be, which is dictated by our media. We have to have a certain type of house with an income to match. All the best things in our home and the right labels on our clothes. Eat at the right restaurants, be seen at the right places, holiday where the cool people holiday.

But what are we living up to? It is an idea, a perception of what life should be like, when in reality it is a manufactured representation of what the perfect life should look like all to keep us in line and slaves to the system.

Happiness is something we seek, something we convince ourselves is at the end of the rainbow, or will come with the right job and when we live in a certain neighbourhood. When all we have to do, is decide to be happy. It is that simple. Why do we invest so much of ourselves in focusing on what we don’t have instead of just being grateful for what we do have? Why do we allow others to dictate to us how we should live our lives just because that is what they are doing? Happiness is a state of being not somewhere we aim to be based on certain contingencies.

Our media is so full of depictions of what is considered the good life. We focus on acquiring rather than experiencing. A new addiction we face is hoarding to fill a void instead of focusing on taking care of ourselves.

We neglect our family and friends based on what we believe we should have and do. So many people working long and relentless hours in jobs we hate all for a big house and a lifestyle rather than focus on what matters. And we are trapped in a vicious cycle because we have forfeited our lives to paying of things we really can’t afford and don’t need.

We hide who we really are because we are so afraid that others may find out who we truly are and then we will be considered a fraud and a loser.

None of us are perfect and we aren’t meant to be. We aren’t all meant to be rich and famous. And we don’t need that $10,000 watch when a $50 one will serve the same purpose.

I know I am not perfect and I will never pretend to be. I accept my flaws and my inconsistencies. I have made mistakes and failed at life many times. But in my heart of an a good human being. I work hard and I contribute to society in a meaningful way. I have worked in high pressure management positions and cleaned houses for a living. It doesn’t matter to me what I do for a living as long as I pay my bills and keep a roof over my head. Put food on the table and sleep in a warm bed at night. I love and laugh and am there for my friends when they need me.

I don’t make excuses for who I am or where I live. I am me and I know I do everything I do with the best intentions.

Self-Acceptance is about recognising who you are, flaws and all. But also recognising what incredible human beings we all are. We are all here for a purpose, for a reason. We all belong and we all matter. Just because someone in our lives can’t see this, that is more about them than it was ever about us. Gauging ourselves by someone else’s standards is a way of always setting ourselves up to fail.

Live, laugh and love with your whole heart and don’t worry about how the other half lives, because you may just find true happiness and what you are good at. Besides chances are the other half are miserable and life is just one big disappointment after another. Why live a life where you are a slave to big corporations and banks just to feel like you belong to an image that is not real.

Life is way too short for that

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What is a Soul Tribe?

What is a Soul Tribe?

I have been pondering this term for some time. What exactly is a Soul Tribe? Is it a group of like-minded people who share a common purpose? Or maybe a representation of people drawn together who feel like they are family?

I am honestly not quite sure.

I have friends who refer to their inner circle as “Soul Sisters”. Maybe it is because I never had a sister, (well one that lived), that I am incapable of understanding the concept.  I never felt connected to my own family other than my father, possibly that has something to do with it. What makes for a Soul Sister? Again I am not quite sure.

I have friends who I consider Family, I don’t refer to them as my Soul Tribe. They are people I feel connected to and I can share ideas, experiences, my personal shit and conversations with. Does this make them part of my Soul Tribe? Again I don’t know the answer to that.

Within a group of friends what makes one person more exceptional that they are welcome in the inner circle, whereas others don’t fit the bill. Does this term only apply to people who are on the spiritual path?

Is the term Soul Tribe meant to be a more politically correct term for Cliques that are very evident and a part of the social structure of the female population? Maybe because I never felt like I fit in with the average female population and usually only ever had one or two close friends, that I don’t get the concept.

Finding myself in a situation where I am working with other women to build self-esteem and heal past wounds and find our “soul purpose”, we are often referred to as a sisterhood, but I don’t see the connection. I can relate to a couple of these women either because we are going through similar things or I recognise my younger self in them and I feel compelled to share my experiences so they don’t feel alone. Other than that I don’t feel connected to any of these women. I can’t see myself forming lifelong friendships with any of them.

Maybe that is the old me peeping through. Maybe my intention isn’t to belong but to learn what I can from these women and then move on. Maybe that is all it is meant to be

As I have grown older I am selective about who I connect with. Having faced many life lessons I am wary of old habits and people with hidden agendas. If they are genuine I let them in.

Maybe I am not meant to be a member of a club, maybe I am not meant to be surrounded by dozens of friends, maybe I am not meant to belong. Is it possible that my Soul Path in life is to be a leader not a follower, a nomad, a hermit.

I believe it is time for me to do some research? To understand what this means.

I may never understand but I can at least try.

 

 

 

Big Scary Monsters.

Big Scary Monsters.

FEAR

That is my big scary monster. It keeps me from doing the very thing I need to. It holds me frozen to the spot. I know life can be better if I just take that step but I am held back by fear.

Fear of failure, fear of loneliness, fear of rejection. Fear of admitting weakness, fear of the unknown, fear of being judged. And yet fear is something we create in our minds and it can be fed by our thoughts and beliefs. Others can sense this fear and use it against you to control you and immobilize you into submission.

I suppose acknowledging your fears is one step in the right direction, but when you find yourself in an unreliable and unstable position, whether it be of your own doing or that of others, acknowledging and doing something to change your life is two entirely different kettles of fish.

There is a strength within me that I have drawn on many times, but now for some reason, I am hesitant to call upon it. I don’t have the support network I had before and being much older I have lost that invincibility that we all had in our youth. I have a couple of friends who support me whatever I choose to do but I am so scared to get away from the devil I know.

Once you reach a certain age, you have a sense of self but also a sense of how vulnerable we really are. How fragile we really are.  And loneliness is a big issue with older people. We struggle to connect with new people. And often have a lack of trust towards others because of the actions of those who shared your life at one point and betrayed your trust.

Logic tells me I can do this because experience has proving it time and time again. It’s just that crazy thing called fear, holding me back.

 

The Scheme of Things

The Scheme of Things

I suppose we all have our way of dealing with life’s hiccups and the things that go wrong, the mistakes we make in life. It may seem a bit crazy to someone else but if it works and these issues get sorted, then what does it matter.

But then there are those who, rather than admit their mistakes, they blame others, and take their anger and disappointment, as well as their feelings of failure out on someone else. Especially if that person happens to have a lot of the life skills one needs to deal with failure and sorting problems out.

They bully and abuse their victims, even using the silent treatment and doing everything to make their victims feel like it is their fault the abuser messed.

Rather than accept responsibility for what went wrong and see what part they played in it, they never seem to understand and realise the impact their behaviour, decisions and choices and how it led to the problems they now face. And this is where the scheming part comes in, another hair-brained plan comes to fruition where they can continue to follow the same path they have always done.

They hang onto this scheme like a dog with an old bone, it doesn’t matter how many times they fail they just keep at the same old tired routine and wonder why it never works out for the better. Meanwhile their victims are left licking their wounds wondering what happened. Their poor victims not only has to sort out the mess that was left behind, they also have to struggle daily with the uncertainty of life with this person.

So many people often question why someone would want to stay in this situation, but what they don’t understand is the frame of mind of the victim. Imagine day in and day out someone makes little remarks about you and what you do and say, they bully you, everything is said to demean your self-esteem, you are made to question your sanity and abilities, you question your relationship skills, you wonder what you did that could have caused them to turn on you in such a way. But because you don’t have the mind of the Schemer, the abuser, the manipulator, you can never begin to understand what goes on in their minds.

Being worn down every day, like a river does to a rock, you don’t notice the damage until it is done. Whatever independence you had, self-esteem, financial security, has been whittled away till there is nothing left.

And the schemer continues about their business, unaware of the damage they have done to another human being,  not understanding the pain they have inflicted, and all simply because they have dealt with their own pain in the only way they know how, but don’t understanding the consequences of what they have done.

The damage done to the psyche of the victims, the impact on their financial as well as physical and mental well-being. And the Schemer goes about their business happy and content because they got their way and they can continue to behave exactly has they have always done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All By Myself

All By Myself

Often being alone can be a good thing. You have a chance to be with your thoughts and enjoying being on your own. For some of us being alone is cathartic, and I need my alone time, it is what keeps me sane.

But there is a bad side to it. If you are an over thinker, being alone with your thoughts can be the worst thing you can do, unless you have some good distraction techniques. I have been an over thinker but with the great coping skills I have picked up over time, I often used alone time to be mindful of my surroundings, and complete household and occupation related tasks with no distractions.

Have you ever found yourself in a room or houseful of people and felt so alone. I sometimes have this happen. There can be someone in the next room, you can hear them, you know they are there, but you behave like two strangers. You pet shows more attention and acknowledgement when you enter the room that this person.

You try to engage in a conversation, interact with this person but you are rebuffed at every attempt. You have shared a good part of your life with this person, you have been through some of your worst life stuff in their presence. But all you receive is cold emptiness. You share living arrangements and a marriage certificate but this is just a piece of paper. It could be a sibling or a parent but you still believe living alone or being alone is a much better alternative. Circumstances may dictate your choices at that moment, and you realise there is nothing left, to salvage, but you still have a commitment to this person, you still have some feelings and a need to connect.

Some relationships are extremely complicated, abusive ones can be this way, having been beaten down by words you know aren’t true you have little left within you to fight for what you deserve. Every day it is a struggle and you know you have PTSD or Stockholm Syndrome but you are drawn to this person like a moth to a flame. They create this need in you to be dependant on them, you believe you are nothing without them. But common sense and logic tells you, you deserve so much better but still those intrusive thoughts keep you chained to a prison that you didn’t create and didn’t choose.

You feel worn out, totally drained, you feel you have nothing left, but you crave the connection they once promised you, but you know you will never get it.

 

Epiphanies

1x0hvi

Life throws a lot of crazy stuff at us. And when it is at its worst we struggle to find a solution. Often we are with others in this struggle. And natural instinct is to figure out an answer, fix things, make life easier.

Some of us are fixers, we like to help others, but sometimes no matter what you do you can’t help.

For a long time I had a subconscious belief that if I fixed things and took care of everyone, I would be valuable, worthy. It got to the point where I always put other’s needs way ahead of my own.

For over 3 years now I have found myself battling to keep our heads above water. Others are involved, I am not on my own in this. When a problem arises I would always work out a plan of attack and get to work implementing it. That is was I do, I solve problems, have done it my whole life, do whatever it takes to make things good again, make things work.

But sometimes no matter what you do it never works out. Setback after setback invades your life, you struggle against the tide of overwhelming adversity, but you do what you have always done. Get to work to find a solution.

But what if this is not my problem to solve?

This is something that recently occurred to me. What if I am not the one who has to learn the lesson in all of this?

I keep peeling away layers of myself and giving away pieces of myself but is it really me that needs to do this? Are they my problems to solve?

I work on myself everyday, looking for the positive in everything that happens, valuing myself so that I fulfil my purpose. But am I the one who needs to change in order for this situation to become what it needs to be? I can’t fix someone else’s problems or life if they aren’t willing to see everything for what it is.

We all need to accept responsibility for our actions and our words. See how we have contributed to the scheme of things. Understand what part we have played in our lives.

What is happening right now I don’t believe is my battle to fight. I have given away too much of myself in an attempt to do the best for everyone concerned, except for myself.

 

 

 

Life in a Nutshell

It has been several months since my last post on here. And to be honest I really can’t say why? Not sure if I lost myself or just couldn’t be bothered. I really don’t know.

Life is just getting too hard. Where do I begin?

I am angry and frustrated that life is still a big shit pile of problems and debts. I am anxious because there is so much uncertainty. I have been working hard on myself and have realised I play the victim a lot of the time. Simply because I feel the need to justify why I feel the way I do. I feel I have to defend myself constantly and not sure if it is just old behavioural patterns so ingrained I can’t help falling back into old habits when things get tough, or just because it’s easier than doing the hard work and taking responsibility for my life.

Recently I spent a few days in hospital because of an antidepressant medication I was taking. I developed serotonin syndrome from taking Valium. The surprising part was I only ever took half the dose and only when I needed it. But leading up to my hospital stay a lot of stress was causing me to take it everyday. So now I have to live without it. And my other medication escitolapram isn’t enough to keep my anxiety  at bay so I can function. I am okay at home by myself and with my cat, until my partner comes home and then I am on edge all the time till he goes to bed.

My partner is a source of much of my stress and problems. He lives life by the seat of his pants, with finances and his own wellbeing. He had a prescribed medication addiction as well as over the counter medication. And had just recently been labelled a doctor shopper because of it. I knew this would eventually happen, so he is the one who has to live with the consequences of his actions. Unfortunately this has impacted on our financial situation and that affects me. He is unemployable because he is accident prone and too arrogant to listen to his employers. And his attitude to wards money is terrible. His spending habits are so haphazard and spontaneous with no consideration for how to pay for things. If money is in his account he spends it, not considering that maybe tomorrow he has to make a car payment or loan payment.

I have realised I have a co-dependency issue with my relationship. I live with a narcissist who had systematically stripped me of my independence and self-esteem. And it happened on such a subtle level I was totally unaware of what was happening. I have always been such an independent and strong individual but I fear for my welfare if I leave him, because he has instilled in me a sense of fear that has crippled me.

I thought this man was the answer to my prayers, he was so kind and considerate and caring, but now he might as well be my prison guard and abuser. Which he is actually. Imagine living in a perpetual world of doubt and uncertainty, this is what I live every day. I suffer from PTSD along with BPD, Anxiety and bouts of Depression. This person has preyed on my mental health issues and has used them against me. That is what narcissists and sociopath do.

I find myself on a long road to recovery yet again. Not just with my self-esteem but with my health, my income and financial stability, my whole life. I have to heal from the abuse, build my self esteem and recover my life. I have no family to depend on, no car to get me out of here, no money and I am on a sickness benefit. I struggle to keep my home business going, and have resorted to doing online surveys for a bit of extra cash. I hate the life I have to live and the fact that my escape is something I have to work towards but I have no choice.

And so the struggle begins……..