World Chaos

World Chaos

There are days when I struggle to live in this world and it is not that I have mental health issues that are pushing me to suicide. Mind you I do have mental health issues I deal with every day.

It is the people in this world.

We, as a race, have become greedy, angry, violent, disrespectful, nasty and hateful.

Today my partner and I had to get the police involved over a neighbour situation. It started with some kids throwing eggs and rocks at the house we currently rent, this began about 3 years ago. We don’t know these children and have never given them any reason to do this but they have taken it upon themselves to terrorise us for want of a better word. We only knew for sure one of the parents involved and approached this person a number of times.

One afternoon these kids were throwing rocks on the roof and then decided to throw a full can of Coke over the fence. It missed my partner’s head by inches, it could have knocked him out or even killed him, but all we heard were giggles as they hid behind the fence.

It would stop for a while and then start again out of the blue.

Now we are the kind of people who will be polite and friendly to our neighbours but we keep to ourselves and don’t involve ourselves in our neighbours lives. We watch our noise levels and don’t bother anyone. We have NEVER given these children any reason to behave the way they do.

One morning early in the recent school holidays, I was woken by a shower of rocks hitting the roof and this went on for about 15 minutes. I called the police and snuck outside to see if I could catch a photo of the kids responsible. A report was put on the police system but no police vehicle showed up, because by the time I got a call back from Police the kids had stopped and disappeared.

I put a post in a local chat group mentioning the street I lived in and wanted to warn the parents concerned that the police had been notified. A lot of abuse online and one father coming over to our house to see the photo I had taken, proving two of his children were involved. But I must praise him because the rock throwing stopped from that day.

But then it turned into peeping tom activity over the back fence. It came to a head and my partner went around to the kids to ask them to leave us alone. Next thing we know this same father from the previous time came over and abused us telling us he would punch us both in the face if we ever bothered his kids again. We were accused of all sorts of things. My partner being accused of being a pervert because he wears cut off shorts. He even threatened me.

It has come down to us both feeling unsafe in our home and wary of being in our back yard or the possibility of repercussions.

This is just a personal situation, but now we have a world leader accused of using the Russian Government to help rig an election.

Too many parents being abusive towards their children, domestic violence is on the rise, Road rage is the new thing now. On line bullying is horrendous. Children being bullied to death by cruel individuals who think it is funny.

This world is corrupt and I am not at all sure if this can be fixed.

There are many of us who try to lead with our hearts and our compassion. So many spiritually minded people from all races and religions working together to make this world a better place, but is it really making any difference?. So many cruel soulless people running rough shod over any one who gets in their way.

The longer I live the more I am compelled to pack up and find a secluded place where I can live out the rest of my years in peace and quiet, and not have to deal with this horrible world.

So much cruelty and hatred.

The Black Dog is Yapping at My Heels

The Black Dog is Yapping at My Heels

Anyone who has had Depression knows what the Black Dog is. Another bout of Depression has snuck up on me. At this point I am not suicidal but I struggle to find any good in my day. I feel teary on some days out of the blue, getting out of bed is a struggle.

When I realised what was happening I decided in that moment to do something about it. I had an online assessment done and have signed up for a Wellbeing course run by professionals. I know of online counselling available so if I feel the need to talk to someone I know where to go.

My husband’s reaction wasn’t as supportive as I had hoped, He seemed to make it all about him when we had the conversation about how I have been feeling lately. I understand and appreciate he is right in this situation with me and I know it has taken its toll on him. But when your partner comes to you and tells you they are struggling with depression again, you don’t get angry.

We are at present in a very precarious financial position with regards to his business. Every day is about wondering if we are going to meet our bills and pay the huge debt, amassed as a result of his business, not to mention the other 8 debts we currently are trying to pay off, not to mention our day-to-day living expenses.

We are not in a position to consolidate our debts and reduce the repayments, because of his self-employed status. And moving to a smaller and cheaper rental is not possible as we have no savings with which to move. Stuck between a rock and a hard place comes to mind right now.

I accept my part in our circumstances, I know what I could have done differently but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Bankruptcy is the next step if we can’t get out of this funk.

Having taken over the reins of our personal bills and rent I am hoping we will improve our situation. It will take one step at a time.

As is the case with Depression.

If you are new to mental health issues, it is difficult to recognise the signs but once you have been there, you know when you are not right.

If you have a lot of days where you feel down and sad, where you struggle to even get out of bed, you find no joy in anything in life, you go about life like you are in a fog. You need to reach out. Talk to a friend or family. Seek out your Doctor, they can refer you on for counselling. There are so many Helplines that specialise in counselling people with mental health issues. With the internet we have access to so many websites that can offer help.

We are all worthwhile, we all deserve to live. Sometimes even the strongest of us can’t cope with life and all its ups and downs. It is okay to admit when you need help. Just reach out.

If you are being bullied at school or work, talk to your parents and teachers, bosses and co workers. You are not alone. Having been a part of a number of support groups I know for a fact we are not alone. So many suffer in silence and it shouldn’t be this way. Don’t feel shame or guilt. It is perfectly natural to have moments where you find you can’t cope. We all have them.

Mental health issues are not something to be ashamed of, just because society at large still believes in the stereotypical images of a mentally ill person. We are not all straight jacket material and we don’t all go round screaming and dribbling, babbling incoherently. So many of us are high functioning. We go to work, raise families, attend school, serve you at the store, walk by you in the street, sit next to you on the train or bus.

The media and movie industries have created an image of a person with mental health issues as someone who is dangerous to the community and that is certainly not the case in about 99% of cases.

Hold your head high and tell someone what you are feeling. Ask for help, but most of all be willing to accept that help. You will be so grateful you did.




Evil is Afoot

Evil is Afoot

This beautiful big world of ours takes all kinds. Humanitarians, philanthropists, carers, capitalists, dictators, the spiritually minded, the diligent, criminals, murderers, the creative and artistic, the inventors, discoverers and explorers.

The best we can all hope to be, is kind and considerate, industrious, capable, successful in whatever we do, loved and loving and so many other things.

Unfortunately we come across people who can be cruel, judgemental, mean-spirited, manipulative and two-faced. They form an opinion about someone in the moment they meet or set eyes on them and act accordingly to bring them down.

They can even pretend to be friendly but away from you they spew their evil words and malign your character. They are resentful towards you because to them you seem to have your life together. Little do they know the truth, that we all have our secret heartache, our own crosses to bear. We are all the same in that respect, but those who seek to destroy you have no clue as to who you really are and how similar we all are in our pain and suffering.

Life can be a painful experience at times, we are robbed of loved ones and we can find ourselves in situations sent to destroy us and everything that we hold dear.

The difference is, some of us choose to learn from our experiences, try to be better humans and would never consider causing others the pain we have suffered. But then there are those who become bitter and cruel. They think the world owes them in some way. They can’t see their own part in what they do and how it affects themselves and others. They can’t see past their own pain and victimhood. They spew forth bile that decimate the hearts and souls of others. Their disregard for the feelings of others is non-existent.

The bullies of the world are great at this. I see pain when I look at a bully but that gives them no right to cruelly cause pain and suffering to others just to feel better about themselves.

Why do some people feel threatened by others? When the very person whom they feel great dislike for, may be the very person who can help them to heal their soul.

On a personal note I try not to disrespect others and consider their feelings, I help others when I can. But I find myself in a situation where I am being bullied by two women, and all I am trying to do is earn a meagre living selling my arts and crafts at a local market. I have never shown disrespect to either of these women or set out to deliberately undermine them or cause them ill. But it seems I am the target of all their pain. They are both so angry at the world, and one I know is very lonely and feels a need to be needed. And I have become the target for all their nastiness.

It physically causes me pain, when I find myself the target of their nastiness. One even told my partner that he needs to get rid of me because I am too controlling. The truth, my partner cannot be controlled, at least not by me. He is and always has been his own man.

All my life I have been the target of people like this. I am told I have a strong presence, but I am totally unaware of it. I don’t understand why people can be like this. If I had been disrespectful toward them or done them wrong, then I could understand. Maybe I am being naïve but I just don’t understand or get it. I have always treated people as I would like to be treated. I give a lot of myself but have learned that there is a limit to how much I can give.

All I can do is turn the cheek and hope that time will help them realise I will not be broken or driven away. While inside my heart is breaking and this only compounds the pain I already feel due to my current circumstances. It is situations like this that whittle away at who you are, you question everything about yourself and yet you are not the one at fault. I have moments where I just want to walk away from my life and start anew somewhere else, become a recluse and be that crazy lady who everyone fears because I don’t integrate.

I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I am nothing to fear, I am no threat to anyone. I am just someone living their life and dealing with my pain in my own way. I seek help when I need it and I don’t make excuses for who I am. I mind my own business and try to see the best in everyone.



Taking Life by the Horns Part 3

Taking Life by the Horns Part 3

Never for a second did I think this would become a saga. Obviously when I started this I really didn’t comprehend how much I had to share on this subject.

Decisions made can affect our lives ten fold. Some are the kind to make a decision on the spur of the moment and usually get it right. There are those who carefully think everything through, weighing up the pros and cons and get it right every time. And then there are those of us, no matter whether it is a spur of the moment or carefully thought out, we mess up almost every time.

For instance, taking out a mortgage or a loan. These are major purchases, for a house, car, a holiday, renovations on a home, a boat, caravan, motor home. A house full of furniture, white goods, a TV and sound system.

We have become a society where we must have it now and often we upgrade just for the hell of it, rather than because something has broken down or no longer serves our needs. Like a bar fridge in a house with 2 adults and 4 children, just doesn’t work.

Say you are buying a car. There are so many things to consider. Size of the vehicle, function and uses, availability and cost of repairs and parts, insurance, can you afford to pay the loan comfortably if you lose your job or take a pay cut when you change jobs? Do you have other loans and credit cards to take into consideration as well.

Do you choose the nice shiny car that you have always wished to own and is $50,000, or do you choose the car that suits you needs, your budget and costs say $20,000. But that nice shiny car you’ve always wanted and the car sales man is making you an offer you can’t refuse, is swinging your decision. Do you go with your heart or do you go with common sense?

How many of you have chosen the first option and six months down the track you can’t afford new tires or something needs fixing and it is too expensive to fix or you have lost your job and you can’t afford to make the payments. You either end up selling it and losing money, or you take on another crap job to make the payments, and take out a small loan to cover the expenses of repairs, etc. It becomes a vicious circle and you get further into debt.

So here is an example of how I would go about it.

I want to buy a place of my own, I am living in a place where monthly mortgage payments are much cheaper than rent. I have a good deposit and a great job. My partner hasn’t worked in six months but he has equity in a caravan and a good size boat, and we are okay financially. I also own a property in the city which has no mortgage and  I am renting it out. I see lots of lovely places, apartments, and houses, they are all good investments. There is only me and my partner so we only need a small place and we are both over 50 so the mortgage we would qualify for would have to be paid out in 15 years, not the usual 25-30 yrs.

There is this lovely 3 bd/2bth  house near the beach but it is $400,000 and we have to sell everything like the caravan, boat and our extra car to get the deposit together as well as what we have in savings. The place also has two yards which need upkeep and mowing and neither of us are gardeners.

Or do we find a 2 bd apartment or duplex that is half the price, has a lot of facilities like a gorgeous swimming pool and is also near the beach, we can keep both cars and the boat, and we can comfortably afford the repayments, being half of what we would be paying on the $400,000 property.

Me personally I would take the small apartment, because we would still have assets to sell in an emergency, and we could live comfortably on one wage and would be able to keep some savings aside, just in case.

So many would take the bigger house and to hell with the consequences. And often end up losing everything in the process. So many people struggle with debts they can’t afford and even worse don’t change their regular spending habits to make debt repayment easier.

So many people still go out to dinner with friends or buy lunch everyday, have the latest phone, buy coffees, have to have that new dress to go to that party. And when they get into trouble financially they don’t know how to cope. You could get another job, take out short-term loans to get by. But does that really work. As far as I am aware, taking out more loans to cover the ones you already have, doesn’t work.

We have forgotten to live within our means. But also part of it has a lot to do with not realising the consequences of our actions, not having enough foresight to realise that we are extending ourselves a bit too thinly.

Our thoughts and beliefs can also play a part in this. If we believe we are better and more acceptable if we have the big house and the flashy car, the 2.4 kids, and live a certain lifestyle, then commonsense doesn’t come into it. I would rather drive that little car I can afford to pay even if I lose my job and live in that small place and know I can sleep at night without stressing about finances. I would rather have a second-hand small screen TV than have to continue working in a job that I hate and which will eventually wear me out. I would have a few little black dresses that can be dressed up or down and tend to be nondescript and wear them over and over again without anyone realising I am wearing the same old dress every time I go out. I like to know I get my money’s worth out of something.

I think we all need to consider things more, take our time making decisions. And live a better life.






Taking Life by the Horns Part 1

Taking Life by the Horns Part 1

We so often wish we had better lives, that things would work out better for us. Why do we have so many things going wrong in our lives and it never seems to change. We work hard and diligently but it’s always the same day in, day out.

Part of making a change in our lives is to realise our part in how it turns out. We can blame a myriad of things. My parents are to blame for how I turned out, I was abused, I am justified in my actions because everyone else does the same, or no one cares. Too much competition. People taking advantage of my kindness and need to help others. You name it. We come up with so many excuses for what is wrong with our lives.

But has it ever occurred to anyone that maybe, we brought this all on ourselves. And I can hear you all objecting as I type, hey, I was one of those who said I didn’t ask for this, it’s not my fault. And it isn’t all our fault. Circumstances lead to a particular outcome and outside influences do affect what happens. But we make choices and decisions every day that affect what happens in our lives. And our thoughts and self beliefs have a profound affect on what we choose or decide to do.

I will try to put a different perspective on this, in the hope I can get my point across.

How many times have you hear this saying? What you put out to the universe comes back to you” Or variants of this same sentiment.

It’s true.

If you believe you are going to fail, you will and all your actions and decisions will gear you towards that outcome. And often we don’t even realise we have these beliefs about ourselves.

For years I believed I was worthless and had the thought that as long as I was useful and worked hard, and kept my head down and not made trouble I had value. But once my health and age slowed me down and I wasn’t able to do what I used to, I thought it was my time to die  because I had outlived my usefulness. What I didn’t realise was our usefulness, for want of a better word, changes throughout life. And life has a funny way of showing you how wrong you can be and letting you know when something isn’t working for you.

How many of you have debt and not matter what you seem to do, it just never seems to get sorted or paid off? Have you been known to take out more debt to pay for car repairs, or to make payments on the debts you already have? Do you just make the minimum payments and do you have redraw facilities on loans and mortgages? And how many of you use this redraw facility when things go pear-shaped and you can’t pay your rent or bills. Please understand that taking out more debt to pay for life’s expenses and to cover other debts is senseless, you just dig yourself in deeper, and this adds more stress to your already stressful financial situation.

How many of you have said, “I’ll just earn more money or take a second job”. But you soon find you are no better off than you were before.

Have any of you thought about looking at why you got into debt in the first place?

Why did you need to have that $20,000 car when you could have easily done just as well with a $10,000 car? Did you really need to go on that overseas holiday you needed to borrow $5,000 for? Or did you really need to buy that new dress for that party or did you already have some really great dresses sitting in your wardrobe that would have done just fine. And it’s not just the women. Did you really need to get that top of range Drill when you only ever go into your man shed once in a while and that new drill is just sitting in it’s box collecting dust because you only manage to use it a couple of times a year.

Do you see where I am going here?

I remember years ago I had to have this $150 pair of Italian handmade leather shoes. Spent weeks paying them off via a layaway plan. I could have paid two weeks rent with that money. And you know what, I never wore them, because as I realised they weren’t that comfortable, so they sat in my closet for about 10 years until I gave them away to charity.

We make a choice to spend money we don’t have in order to feel like we are part of something. We get ourselves into situations that we really don’t consider fully before we make a decision. And that is why we find ourselves in situations like being in so much debt we don’t know how to get out.

It is the same with life’s little ups and downs.

We need to begin to look at how we think and what we believe about ourselves and consider the consequences more fully before we makes choices.

In my next blog I will look more closely at why we think as we do and make the choices and decisions we do. Why we make mistakes and can’t seem to understand why things happen as they do. So till next time.







Emotional Rescue

Emotional Rescue

Christmas this year has been particularly bad. I have no family to speak of other than my partner and his daughter. And his daughter is with her mother this year. No decorations went up, and we didn’t have a proper Chrissy dinner.

For some months now my partner has been running his own business, providing goods to both wholesale clients and the public via local markets. And in the beginning it was good. The money was coming in and life was starting to improve. But something seems to have gone wrong. At least with the market side of things.

Our summer weather in Australia can be quite hot and this does play havoc with the fruit and vegetables we sell. And it seems we have some competition. Last night, being Christmas Eve we attended a local market with the hope that people would be wanting to get some last-minute things before they head off on their holidays or to parties, and the like. But it wasn’t to be. I also make Scented Soy Candles and sell some Spiritual items that go great as gifts, which went well but definitely not enough to cover the money we lost on Fruit and Vege.

I suppose it has been coming for some time. My partner’s business is in trouble and we have a rather large debt because of it,aside from the personal ones we already have. And we have no way of paying this new one off. We will regroup after Christmas and make some decisions, in regards to the Markets. At this point I don’t know what to do.

We are really struggling and I fear we may have to resort to going bankrupt. This is something we have never done and wish not to ever do. But we may have no choice.

I am angry that this has happened. I know that it isn’t all up to bad luck and competition. There is some stubbornness and pig-headedness involved. I know I am in part to blame because I could have spoken up and very loudly. I always shared my thoughts and opinions on the issues we have had but, never really pushed it home to my partner.

I am so scared that we are going to lose everything. We need to move because we can no longer afford the rent we are paying but we have no savings, to fall back on. I hate this house because it has been so badly neglected by the owner and we have been left without any stove top facilities for 2+ years. I could go on about the problems with this current place we live in but, it would only frustrate me no end.

I am angry that I have allowed things to get so bad, but sometimes some people will not take sound advice based on years of being in business with my own family. I am angry that my partner kept flogging a dead horse for so long in the hope it would turn around.

I need to express my emotions at this time as being Borderline, it is so easy to let them overwhelm me and take over my life. I see so many people on social media enjoying Christmas and having great parties and family lunches and I am angry that we can’t be the same. I am frustrated with our situation and this has been going on for a long while now. It is such a stressful environment to be in, and it doesn’t help my Anxiety. I am so disappointed in my life and how it has turned out. So many issues to deal with, mentally, health wise, financially and personally. Life shouldn’t be this hard. I don’t deserve a life this hard and stressful.

The worst part with being a Borderline is we tend to get so caught up emotionally in what is happening that we tend to spiral down into a rut, and getting out is a struggle. I feel I am angry all the time and I need to do something about it. I am going to sit down with a notebook and a pencil and formulate some lists. Especially to do with the current issues we face, and detailed plans about how to fix them. Also I need to make up a list of what needs to be done in order to improve our lives and set out detailed steps we need to take. And most of all I need to shake myself out of this hole I find myself in and start making myself smile.


I need an emotional rescue.

Life’s little hiccups

Life can throw up situations that we have to struggle through. It’s these times that really test us as human beings. Right now I am being tested in regards to money and finances. But I am not in this alone, I have a partner. We run a small business which over the winter has failed to thrive. Part of our income depends on the weather as we attend local markets for the bulk of our income. And all it takes is a few rainy days or bad weather of any kind and we lose money.

This business is in its first year and if we had started it just six months earlier, we would have had Spring and Summer to really help bring in money. We would have been able to put away some savings to get us through the winter. We are really struggling. And it doesn’t help that we are snowed under with other debt, the very van we use for the business is still being paid off and we have had to do some major repair work on it since we bought it.

Our livelihood is in the balance at the moment. We are not sure if the business will survive long enough to make it through to Summer when some real money can be made.

What makes it worse is, I am unable to obtain some part-time employment to tide us over for a while. Health issues limit me.

I suppose this is a reminder not just for us, that when you have good incomes and money is not an issue, don’t rush out to buy things that you can’t pay cash for and have to obtain a loan or use a credit card. Because you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Whose to say you won’t lose your job tomorrow or your health will fail and you have no alternative but to leave your job.

Our society is so big into having everything today and worry about paying for it tomorrow. We have become so materialistic and place importance in things way too much. It is so rare now to find someone who doesn’t have a lot of debt. We always have to have more and have it right now.

Go back a few generations and couples would buy a house and live in it for the rest of their lives and hand it down to their children when they die. They would scrimp and save for a decent deposit and only buy what they could afford. But it seems we have so many who buy or build a house, get it to the way they want it then sell it and go do it all over again. And the houses are so big now, who needs lots of bedrooms and bathrooms if you are only a couple. Who needs so many rooms that you have to buy so much furniture to fill them. I just don’t understand the mentality of it. Why have six beds when you only sleep in one? Why have 10 couches if you only have one ass?

We are such a wasteful and consumerist society. I hear of women and men who have closets bigger than their bedroom. Hundreds of shoes, dozens of dresses etc. It is senseless waste.

We have a new mental illness that is ravaging society, HOARDING. People who become so caught up in buying things in order to fill a hole that can only be filled by themselves. We have clutter experts and TV Shows about hoarding. We place emotional attachment in things instead of people. We turn to buying to deal with our pain and emotions instead of turning to our family and friends to support us. People live in houses packed to the roof with stuff and live with vermin and mould and are so overwhelmed by it all they can’t cope. And the worst part often these people have so much debt too.

I, myself, have been guilty of hoarding shoes and scrapbooking and craft supplies. What finally got me over my shoe addiction was paying $200 for a pair of shoes that weren’t even comfortable to wear and I never wore them ever. They just sat in my closet gathering dust. But I just HAD to have them. I gave them away to a charity shop years later. And this was in the early 80’s when $200 got you a pair of handmade leather shoes from Italy and my rent back then was $65 per week.

My scrapbooking addiction started when I worked for a company who sold scrapbooking supplies wholesale and employees got 50% off. It was about the time my father died. I wasn’t able to grieve properly because of other things going on in my life at the time so I got hooked and filled up a bedroom with paper and embellishments and rubber stamps etc to fill the void my father left. And I bought all of this to make up an album about his life that I could pass on to the next generation. Only problem was I have no children and my brother and I parted ways about the same time because of a lifetime of problems and his children wanted nothing to do with me. 10 years later I have reduced it to two small crates of supplies that I know I will use with my artwork and personally for making cards.

So much waste, so much stuff that I used to numb my emotions with to fill a void that could only be filled by giving myself time to grieve and process my past.

I realised I am not my things, my possessions don’t define me as a person, I don’t need a big house, or 100 pairs of shoes to know who I am. I do my artwork that gives me a creative outlet, I have done professional therapy and self therapy, and now I deal with my emotions and my pain in a way that helps me to let it go. Unfortunately my partner is not so like-minded. He still lives his life on credit and is not the best when it comes to finances. I could take care of things when I was able to work but now I have to rely on my own small business which I have had to neglect to help him out.

My partner and I find ourselves in a situation where we are going to have to sell some of our things. We have had to do this in the past. I no longer have a wedding or engagement ring. I don’t own any gold jewelry mostly because the gold price went through the roof a couple of years ago and it was far more profitable to sell it than have it lying around collecting dust.