Life in a Nutshell

It has been several months since my last post on here. And to be honest I really can’t say why? Not sure if I lost myself or just couldn’t be bothered. I really don’t know.

Life is just getting too hard. Where do I begin?

I am angry and frustrated that life is still a big shit pile of problems and debts. I am anxious because there is so much uncertainty. I have been working hard on myself and have realised I play the victim a lot of the time. Simply because I feel the need to justify why I feel the way I do. I feel I have to defend myself constantly and not sure if it is just old behavioural patterns so ingrained I can’t help falling back into old habits when things get tough, or just because it’s easier than doing the hard work and taking responsibility for my life.

Recently I spent a few days in hospital because of an antidepressant medication I was taking. I developed serotonin syndrome from taking Valium. The surprising part was I only ever took half the dose and only when I needed it. But leading up to my hospital stay a lot of stress was causing me to take it everyday. So now I have to live without it. And my other medication escitolapram isn’t enough to keep my anxiety  at bay so I can function. I am okay at home by myself and with my cat, until my partner comes home and then I am on edge all the time till he goes to bed.

My partner is a source of much of my stress and problems. He lives life by the seat of his pants, with finances and his own wellbeing. He had a prescribed medication addiction as well as over the counter medication. And had just recently been labelled a doctor shopper because of it. I knew this would eventually happen, so he is the one who has to live with the consequences of his actions. Unfortunately this has impacted on our financial situation and that affects me. He is unemployable because he is accident prone and too arrogant to listen to his employers. And his attitude to wards money is terrible. His spending habits are so haphazard and spontaneous with no consideration for how to pay for things. If money is in his account he spends it, not considering that maybe tomorrow he has to make a car payment or loan payment.

I have realised I have a co-dependency issue with my relationship. I live with a narcissist who had systematically stripped me of my independence and self-esteem. And it happened on such a subtle level I was totally unaware of what was happening. I have always been such an independent and strong individual but I fear for my welfare if I leave him, because he has instilled in me a sense of fear that has crippled me.

I thought this man was the answer to my prayers, he was so kind and considerate and caring, but now he might as well be my prison guard and abuser. Which he is actually. Imagine living in a perpetual world of doubt and uncertainty, this is what I live every day. I suffer from PTSD along with BPD, Anxiety and bouts of Depression. This person has preyed on my mental health issues and has used them against me. That is what narcissists and sociopath do.

I find myself on a long road to recovery yet again. Not just with my self-esteem but with my health, my income and financial stability, my whole life. I have to heal from the abuse, build my self esteem and recover my life. I have no family to depend on, no car to get me out of here, no money and I am on a sickness benefit. I struggle to keep my home business going, and have resorted to doing online surveys for a bit of extra cash. I hate the life I have to live and the fact that my escape is something I have to work towards but I have no choice.

And so the struggle begins……..

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Evil is Afoot

Evil is Afoot

This beautiful big world of ours takes all kinds. Humanitarians, philanthropists, carers, capitalists, dictators, the spiritually minded, the diligent, criminals, murderers, the creative and artistic, the inventors, discoverers and explorers.

The best we can all hope to be, is kind and considerate, industrious, capable, successful in whatever we do, loved and loving and so many other things.

Unfortunately we come across people who can be cruel, judgemental, mean-spirited, manipulative and two-faced. They form an opinion about someone in the moment they meet or set eyes on them and act accordingly to bring them down.

They can even pretend to be friendly but away from you they spew their evil words and malign your character. They are resentful towards you because to them you seem to have your life together. Little do they know the truth, that we all have our secret heartache, our own crosses to bear. We are all the same in that respect, but those who seek to destroy you have no clue as to who you really are and how similar we all are in our pain and suffering.

Life can be a painful experience at times, we are robbed of loved ones and we can find ourselves in situations sent to destroy us and everything that we hold dear.

The difference is, some of us choose to learn from our experiences, try to be better humans and would never consider causing others the pain we have suffered. But then there are those who become bitter and cruel. They think the world owes them in some way. They can’t see their own part in what they do and how it affects themselves and others. They can’t see past their own pain and victimhood. They spew forth bile that decimate the hearts and souls of others. Their disregard for the feelings of others is non-existent.

The bullies of the world are great at this. I see pain when I look at a bully but that gives them no right to cruelly cause pain and suffering to others just to feel better about themselves.

Why do some people feel threatened by others? When the very person whom they feel great dislike for, may be the very person who can help them to heal their soul.

On a personal note I try not to disrespect others and consider their feelings, I help others when I can. But I find myself in a situation where I am being bullied by two women, and all I am trying to do is earn a meagre living selling my arts and crafts at a local market. I have never shown disrespect to either of these women or set out to deliberately undermine them or cause them ill. But it seems I am the target of all their pain. They are both so angry at the world, and one I know is very lonely and feels a need to be needed. And I have become the target for all their nastiness.

It physically causes me pain, when I find myself the target of their nastiness. One even told my partner that he needs to get rid of me because I am too controlling. The truth, my partner cannot be controlled, at least not by me. He is and always has been his own man.

All my life I have been the target of people like this. I am told I have a strong presence, but I am totally unaware of it. I don’t understand why people can be like this. If I had been disrespectful toward them or done them wrong, then I could understand. Maybe I am being naïve but I just don’t understand or get it. I have always treated people as I would like to be treated. I give a lot of myself but have learned that there is a limit to how much I can give.

All I can do is turn the cheek and hope that time will help them realise I will not be broken or driven away. While inside my heart is breaking and this only compounds the pain I already feel due to my current circumstances. It is situations like this that whittle away at who you are, you question everything about yourself and yet you are not the one at fault. I have moments where I just want to walk away from my life and start anew somewhere else, become a recluse and be that crazy lady who everyone fears because I don’t integrate.

I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I am nothing to fear, I am no threat to anyone. I am just someone living their life and dealing with my pain in my own way. I seek help when I need it and I don’t make excuses for who I am. I mind my own business and try to see the best in everyone.

 

 

Taking Life by the Horns Part 4

In summary, we need to listen to what we think about ourselves and what we believe about ourselves. Question whether this is valid or true and replace the negative thoughts and beliefs with more positive ones. Give yourself a break if you make a mistake, and realise it is human to make mistakes, that is how we are supposed to learn about life and how not to make the same mistake again.

If we put the blame on others, etc we will never accept responsibility for how we create the course of our lives. It’s not about blame it is about being aware of how we are perceived by others and the impressions we give off and contribute to the course our life takes.

Think about things a little more. If you are someone for whom things tend to go wrong no matter what you do, think about what you are about to do or commit yourself to. Taking out some form of credit, for instance, do you need that full amount that you are being offered or can you do with a smaller amount, it makes a big difference in the repayments and interest you pay.

If you tend to end up in abusive relationships or your relationships all seem to be the same. Then think about why this happens, question whether you have an unconscious belief that this is what you feel you deserve. How someone treats you is solely up to them, and often how they are with you can be a reflection of what they think and believe about themselves. Others will do what they do, you have to decide whether they are treating you with respect or not and then whether you want to be treated that way or not.

Parents make mistakes, as do teachers and other significant people who cross your path, accept this about them and realise you deserve better. It really is all about what we are willing to let into our lives and put up with.

Realising your part in everything that happens to you is half way to getting a better life. You can only change you and how you think, what you believe and how others treat you.

It is up to you not to put yourself in a position where everything falls apart. If you are going to take on a loan or mortgage, really think about the possible outcomes and consequences of what you are doing. The same works for relationships and life in general.

And if you want to be happy, then be happy, that is a conscious choice. Happiness can’t be found in things or jobs or relationships or the perfect house. It is found within you.

Make a decision to look for the positive and good in everything. Because there is always something good in everything. Mistakes are made and difficulties come about, to teach us something, or to make way for something so much better. Life is full of ups and downs, how you react and what you do is what matters most. Have an escape plan or a contingency plan for every situation you find yourself in. Play the What If game. Answer that question. What if I lose my job, what will I do? Answer those questions and then if something happens or goes wrong, you will know what to do.

Think smarter, take time when making decisions and realise what you have got going for you and what is great about your life. And be kind and gentle to yourself.

Taking Life by the Horns Part 3

Taking Life by the Horns Part 3

Never for a second did I think this would become a saga. Obviously when I started this I really didn’t comprehend how much I had to share on this subject.

Decisions made can affect our lives ten fold. Some are the kind to make a decision on the spur of the moment and usually get it right. There are those who carefully think everything through, weighing up the pros and cons and get it right every time. And then there are those of us, no matter whether it is a spur of the moment or carefully thought out, we mess up almost every time.

For instance, taking out a mortgage or a loan. These are major purchases, for a house, car, a holiday, renovations on a home, a boat, caravan, motor home. A house full of furniture, white goods, a TV and sound system.

We have become a society where we must have it now and often we upgrade just for the hell of it, rather than because something has broken down or no longer serves our needs. Like a bar fridge in a house with 2 adults and 4 children, just doesn’t work.

Say you are buying a car. There are so many things to consider. Size of the vehicle, function and uses, availability and cost of repairs and parts, insurance, can you afford to pay the loan comfortably if you lose your job or take a pay cut when you change jobs? Do you have other loans and credit cards to take into consideration as well.

Do you choose the nice shiny car that you have always wished to own and is $50,000, or do you choose the car that suits you needs, your budget and costs say $20,000. But that nice shiny car you’ve always wanted and the car sales man is making you an offer you can’t refuse, is swinging your decision. Do you go with your heart or do you go with common sense?

How many of you have chosen the first option and six months down the track you can’t afford new tires or something needs fixing and it is too expensive to fix or you have lost your job and you can’t afford to make the payments. You either end up selling it and losing money, or you take on another crap job to make the payments, and take out a small loan to cover the expenses of repairs, etc. It becomes a vicious circle and you get further into debt.

So here is an example of how I would go about it.

I want to buy a place of my own, I am living in a place where monthly mortgage payments are much cheaper than rent. I have a good deposit and a great job. My partner hasn’t worked in six months but he has equity in a caravan and a good size boat, and we are okay financially. I also own a property in the city which has no mortgage and  I am renting it out. I see lots of lovely places, apartments, and houses, they are all good investments. There is only me and my partner so we only need a small place and we are both over 50 so the mortgage we would qualify for would have to be paid out in 15 years, not the usual 25-30 yrs.

There is this lovely 3 bd/2bth  house near the beach but it is $400,000 and we have to sell everything like the caravan, boat and our extra car to get the deposit together as well as what we have in savings. The place also has two yards which need upkeep and mowing and neither of us are gardeners.

Or do we find a 2 bd apartment or duplex that is half the price, has a lot of facilities like a gorgeous swimming pool and is also near the beach, we can keep both cars and the boat, and we can comfortably afford the repayments, being half of what we would be paying on the $400,000 property.

Me personally I would take the small apartment, because we would still have assets to sell in an emergency, and we could live comfortably on one wage and would be able to keep some savings aside, just in case.

So many would take the bigger house and to hell with the consequences. And often end up losing everything in the process. So many people struggle with debts they can’t afford and even worse don’t change their regular spending habits to make debt repayment easier.

So many people still go out to dinner with friends or buy lunch everyday, have the latest phone, buy coffees, have to have that new dress to go to that party. And when they get into trouble financially they don’t know how to cope. You could get another job, take out short-term loans to get by. But does that really work. As far as I am aware, taking out more loans to cover the ones you already have, doesn’t work.

We have forgotten to live within our means. But also part of it has a lot to do with not realising the consequences of our actions, not having enough foresight to realise that we are extending ourselves a bit too thinly.

Our thoughts and beliefs can also play a part in this. If we believe we are better and more acceptable if we have the big house and the flashy car, the 2.4 kids, and live a certain lifestyle, then commonsense doesn’t come into it. I would rather drive that little car I can afford to pay even if I lose my job and live in that small place and know I can sleep at night without stressing about finances. I would rather have a second-hand small screen TV than have to continue working in a job that I hate and which will eventually wear me out. I would have a few little black dresses that can be dressed up or down and tend to be nondescript and wear them over and over again without anyone realising I am wearing the same old dress every time I go out. I like to know I get my money’s worth out of something.

I think we all need to consider things more, take our time making decisions. And live a better life.

 

 

 

 

 

Taking Life by the Horns Part 1

Taking Life by the Horns Part 1

We so often wish we had better lives, that things would work out better for us. Why do we have so many things going wrong in our lives and it never seems to change. We work hard and diligently but it’s always the same day in, day out.

Part of making a change in our lives is to realise our part in how it turns out. We can blame a myriad of things. My parents are to blame for how I turned out, I was abused, I am justified in my actions because everyone else does the same, or no one cares. Too much competition. People taking advantage of my kindness and need to help others. You name it. We come up with so many excuses for what is wrong with our lives.

But has it ever occurred to anyone that maybe, we brought this all on ourselves. And I can hear you all objecting as I type, hey, I was one of those who said I didn’t ask for this, it’s not my fault. And it isn’t all our fault. Circumstances lead to a particular outcome and outside influences do affect what happens. But we make choices and decisions every day that affect what happens in our lives. And our thoughts and self beliefs have a profound affect on what we choose or decide to do.

I will try to put a different perspective on this, in the hope I can get my point across.

How many times have you hear this saying? What you put out to the universe comes back to you” Or variants of this same sentiment.

It’s true.

If you believe you are going to fail, you will and all your actions and decisions will gear you towards that outcome. And often we don’t even realise we have these beliefs about ourselves.

For years I believed I was worthless and had the thought that as long as I was useful and worked hard, and kept my head down and not made trouble I had value. But once my health and age slowed me down and I wasn’t able to do what I used to, I thought it was my time to die  because I had outlived my usefulness. What I didn’t realise was our usefulness, for want of a better word, changes throughout life. And life has a funny way of showing you how wrong you can be and letting you know when something isn’t working for you.

How many of you have debt and not matter what you seem to do, it just never seems to get sorted or paid off? Have you been known to take out more debt to pay for car repairs, or to make payments on the debts you already have? Do you just make the minimum payments and do you have redraw facilities on loans and mortgages? And how many of you use this redraw facility when things go pear-shaped and you can’t pay your rent or bills. Please understand that taking out more debt to pay for life’s expenses and to cover other debts is senseless, you just dig yourself in deeper, and this adds more stress to your already stressful financial situation.

How many of you have said, “I’ll just earn more money or take a second job”. But you soon find you are no better off than you were before.

Have any of you thought about looking at why you got into debt in the first place?

Why did you need to have that $20,000 car when you could have easily done just as well with a $10,000 car? Did you really need to go on that overseas holiday you needed to borrow $5,000 for? Or did you really need to buy that new dress for that party or did you already have some really great dresses sitting in your wardrobe that would have done just fine. And it’s not just the women. Did you really need to get that top of range Drill when you only ever go into your man shed once in a while and that new drill is just sitting in it’s box collecting dust because you only manage to use it a couple of times a year.

Do you see where I am going here?

I remember years ago I had to have this $150 pair of Italian handmade leather shoes. Spent weeks paying them off via a layaway plan. I could have paid two weeks rent with that money. And you know what, I never wore them, because as I realised they weren’t that comfortable, so they sat in my closet for about 10 years until I gave them away to charity.

We make a choice to spend money we don’t have in order to feel like we are part of something. We get ourselves into situations that we really don’t consider fully before we make a decision. And that is why we find ourselves in situations like being in so much debt we don’t know how to get out.

It is the same with life’s little ups and downs.

We need to begin to look at how we think and what we believe about ourselves and consider the consequences more fully before we makes choices.

In my next blog I will look more closely at why we think as we do and make the choices and decisions we do. Why we make mistakes and can’t seem to understand why things happen as they do. So till next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reflection of the Year that Was.

Reflection of the Year that Was.

Looking back on the last year, I realise this hasn’t been a good year. In fact, neither was 2015. Financial struggles that seem to be on going and multiplying, new health problems, one business in the throes of possibly failing, its fate still uncertain.

A myriad of excuses can be found and used, but it ultimately comes down to myself and my partner. We made choices and decisions that gives us the situation we have today. It is so easy to blame the other person involved and a hundred other possible causes, new competition opened up, another business at the same market gained a bad reputation and it had a profound effect on our business, we can’t anticipate the weather, there were other markets and fairs on the same day. But do you increase your buying and reduce your prices to compensate?

I fully accept my part in this, I spoke my opinion when it was asked but what I should have done was pushed it home. I should have stood firm when I said no, not giving in to keep the peace. I know and understand my part in all of this and I am now working on a number of solutions to help begin to fix the problem.

Selling everything we can do with out is the first move, it won’t get us in front but it will get us through the next couple of weeks. And there are local charities around that will help with food and groceries for a small fee. Pride has nothing to do with this right now. We are in a precarious position and if we have to give up everything to get back on our feet then so be it.

The difficulty in parting with cherished items that once belonged to loved ones who have died, is the price I have to pay for my lack of affirmative action. But one thing I realise is, I still have a few wonderful photos and a lifetime of memories with each and every one of them. A few things will remain but they have no monetary value. I have these people and animals in my heart and that is all that matters.

My partner and I are desperately in need of a fresh start and I can only do what I can to make this happen. I cannot control him or what he does or doesn’t do. It’s not about a big screen TV or the latest DVD or a dragon statue or wolf picture, it is about survival, and keeping a roof over our heads and food on our table.

Maybe we need to get rid of everything to earn the fresh start we so desperately need. This is our price, for a better life. Letting go of things that serve no real purpose in our lives and are just dust collectors, to have the life we deserve. Who is to say….

Either way I am working towards 2017 being a much better year, and leaving the painful, negative past behind.

Emotional Rescue

Emotional Rescue

Christmas this year has been particularly bad. I have no family to speak of other than my partner and his daughter. And his daughter is with her mother this year. No decorations went up, and we didn’t have a proper Chrissy dinner.

For some months now my partner has been running his own business, providing goods to both wholesale clients and the public via local markets. And in the beginning it was good. The money was coming in and life was starting to improve. But something seems to have gone wrong. At least with the market side of things.

Our summer weather in Australia can be quite hot and this does play havoc with the fruit and vegetables we sell. And it seems we have some competition. Last night, being Christmas Eve we attended a local market with the hope that people would be wanting to get some last-minute things before they head off on their holidays or to parties, and the like. But it wasn’t to be. I also make Scented Soy Candles and sell some Spiritual items that go great as gifts, which went well but definitely not enough to cover the money we lost on Fruit and Vege.

I suppose it has been coming for some time. My partner’s business is in trouble and we have a rather large debt because of it,aside from the personal ones we already have. And we have no way of paying this new one off. We will regroup after Christmas and make some decisions, in regards to the Markets. At this point I don’t know what to do.

We are really struggling and I fear we may have to resort to going bankrupt. This is something we have never done and wish not to ever do. But we may have no choice.

I am angry that this has happened. I know that it isn’t all up to bad luck and competition. There is some stubbornness and pig-headedness involved. I know I am in part to blame because I could have spoken up and very loudly. I always shared my thoughts and opinions on the issues we have had but, never really pushed it home to my partner.

I am so scared that we are going to lose everything. We need to move because we can no longer afford the rent we are paying but we have no savings, to fall back on. I hate this house because it has been so badly neglected by the owner and we have been left without any stove top facilities for 2+ years. I could go on about the problems with this current place we live in but, it would only frustrate me no end.

I am angry that I have allowed things to get so bad, but sometimes some people will not take sound advice based on years of being in business with my own family. I am angry that my partner kept flogging a dead horse for so long in the hope it would turn around.

I need to express my emotions at this time as being Borderline, it is so easy to let them overwhelm me and take over my life. I see so many people on social media enjoying Christmas and having great parties and family lunches and I am angry that we can’t be the same. I am frustrated with our situation and this has been going on for a long while now. It is such a stressful environment to be in, and it doesn’t help my Anxiety. I am so disappointed in my life and how it has turned out. So many issues to deal with, mentally, health wise, financially and personally. Life shouldn’t be this hard. I don’t deserve a life this hard and stressful.

The worst part with being a Borderline is we tend to get so caught up emotionally in what is happening that we tend to spiral down into a rut, and getting out is a struggle. I feel I am angry all the time and I need to do something about it. I am going to sit down with a notebook and a pencil and formulate some lists. Especially to do with the current issues we face, and detailed plans about how to fix them. Also I need to make up a list of what needs to be done in order to improve our lives and set out detailed steps we need to take. And most of all I need to shake myself out of this hole I find myself in and start making myself smile.

 

I need an emotional rescue.