The Scheme of Things

The Scheme of Things

I suppose we all have our way of dealing with life’s hiccups and the things that go wrong, the mistakes we make in life. It may seem a bit crazy to someone else but if it works and these issues get sorted, then what does it matter.

But then there are those who, rather than admit their mistakes, they blame others, and take their anger and disappointment, as well as their feelings of failure out on someone else. Especially if that person happens to have a lot of the life skills one needs to deal with failure and sorting problems out.

They bully and abuse their victims, even using the silent treatment and doing everything to make their victims feel like it is their fault the abuser messed.

Rather than accept responsibility for what went wrong and see what part they played in it, they never seem to understand and realise the impact their behaviour, decisions and choices and how it led to the problems they now face. And this is where the scheming part comes in, another hair-brained plan comes to fruition where they can continue to follow the same path they have always done.

They hang onto this scheme like a dog with an old bone, it doesn’t matter how many times they fail they just keep at the same old tired routine and wonder why it never works out for the better. Meanwhile their victims are left licking their wounds wondering what happened. Their poor victims not only has to sort out the mess that was left behind, they also have to struggle daily with the uncertainty of life with this person.

So many people often question why someone would want to stay in this situation, but what they don’t understand is the frame of mind of the victim. Imagine day in and day out someone makes little remarks about you and what you do and say, they bully you, everything is said to demean your self-esteem, you are made to question your sanity and abilities, you question your relationship skills, you wonder what you did that could have caused them to turn on you in such a way. But because you don’t have the mind of the Schemer, the abuser, the manipulator, you can never begin to understand what goes on in their minds.

Being worn down every day, like a river does to a rock, you don’t notice the damage until it is done. Whatever independence you had, self-esteem, financial security, has been whittled away till there is nothing left.

And the schemer continues about their business, unaware of the damage they have done to another human being,  not understanding the pain they have inflicted, and all simply because they have dealt with their own pain in the only way they know how, but don’t understanding the consequences of what they have done.

The damage done to the psyche of the victims, the impact on their financial as well as physical and mental well-being. And the Schemer goes about their business happy and content because they got their way and they can continue to behave exactly has they have always done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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All By Myself

All By Myself

Often being alone can be a good thing. You have a chance to be with your thoughts and enjoying being on your own. For some of us being alone is cathartic, and I need my alone time, it is what keeps me sane.

But there is a bad side to it. If you are an over thinker, being alone with your thoughts can be the worst thing you can do, unless you have some good distraction techniques. I have been an over thinker but with the great coping skills I have picked up over time, I often used alone time to be mindful of my surroundings, and complete household and occupation related tasks with no distractions.

Have you ever found yourself in a room or houseful of people and felt so alone. I sometimes have this happen. There can be someone in the next room, you can hear them, you know they are there, but you behave like two strangers. You pet shows more attention and acknowledgement when you enter the room that this person.

You try to engage in a conversation, interact with this person but you are rebuffed at every attempt. You have shared a good part of your life with this person, you have been through some of your worst life stuff in their presence. But all you receive is cold emptiness. You share living arrangements and a marriage certificate but this is just a piece of paper. It could be a sibling or a parent but you still believe living alone or being alone is a much better alternative. Circumstances may dictate your choices at that moment, and you realise there is nothing left, to salvage, but you still have a commitment to this person, you still have some feelings and a need to connect.

Some relationships are extremely complicated, abusive ones can be this way, having been beaten down by words you know aren’t true you have little left within you to fight for what you deserve. Every day it is a struggle and you know you have PTSD or Stockholm Syndrome but you are drawn to this person like a moth to a flame. They create this need in you to be dependant on them, you believe you are nothing without them. But common sense and logic tells you, you deserve so much better but still those intrusive thoughts keep you chained to a prison that you didn’t create and didn’t choose.

You feel worn out, totally drained, you feel you have nothing left, but you crave the connection they once promised you, but you know you will never get it.

 

Epiphanies

1x0hvi

Life throws a lot of crazy stuff at us. And when it is at its worst we struggle to find a solution. Often we are with others in this struggle. And natural instinct is to figure out an answer, fix things, make life easier.

Some of us are fixers, we like to help others, but sometimes no matter what you do you can’t help.

For a long time I had a subconscious belief that if I fixed things and took care of everyone, I would be valuable, worthy. It got to the point where I always put other’s needs way ahead of my own.

For over 3 years now I have found myself battling to keep our heads above water. Others are involved, I am not on my own in this. When a problem arises I would always work out a plan of attack and get to work implementing it. That is was I do, I solve problems, have done it my whole life, do whatever it takes to make things good again, make things work.

But sometimes no matter what you do it never works out. Setback after setback invades your life, you struggle against the tide of overwhelming adversity, but you do what you have always done. Get to work to find a solution.

But what if this is not my problem to solve?

This is something that recently occurred to me. What if I am not the one who has to learn the lesson in all of this?

I keep peeling away layers of myself and giving away pieces of myself but is it really me that needs to do this? Are they my problems to solve?

I work on myself everyday, looking for the positive in everything that happens, valuing myself so that I fulfil my purpose. But am I the one who needs to change in order for this situation to become what it needs to be? I can’t fix someone else’s problems or life if they aren’t willing to see everything for what it is.

We all need to accept responsibility for our actions and our words. See how we have contributed to the scheme of things. Understand what part we have played in our lives.

What is happening right now I don’t believe is my battle to fight. I have given away too much of myself in an attempt to do the best for everyone concerned, except for myself.

 

 

 

Life in a Nutshell

It has been several months since my last post on here. And to be honest I really can’t say why? Not sure if I lost myself or just couldn’t be bothered. I really don’t know.

Life is just getting too hard. Where do I begin?

I am angry and frustrated that life is still a big shit pile of problems and debts. I am anxious because there is so much uncertainty. I have been working hard on myself and have realised I play the victim a lot of the time. Simply because I feel the need to justify why I feel the way I do. I feel I have to defend myself constantly and not sure if it is just old behavioural patterns so ingrained I can’t help falling back into old habits when things get tough, or just because it’s easier than doing the hard work and taking responsibility for my life.

Recently I spent a few days in hospital because of an antidepressant medication I was taking. I developed serotonin syndrome from taking Valium. The surprising part was I only ever took half the dose and only when I needed it. But leading up to my hospital stay a lot of stress was causing me to take it everyday. So now I have to live without it. And my other medication escitolapram isn’t enough to keep my anxiety  at bay so I can function. I am okay at home by myself and with my cat, until my partner comes home and then I am on edge all the time till he goes to bed.

My partner is a source of much of my stress and problems. He lives life by the seat of his pants, with finances and his own wellbeing. He had a prescribed medication addiction as well as over the counter medication. And had just recently been labelled a doctor shopper because of it. I knew this would eventually happen, so he is the one who has to live with the consequences of his actions. Unfortunately this has impacted on our financial situation and that affects me. He is unemployable because he is accident prone and too arrogant to listen to his employers. And his attitude to wards money is terrible. His spending habits are so haphazard and spontaneous with no consideration for how to pay for things. If money is in his account he spends it, not considering that maybe tomorrow he has to make a car payment or loan payment.

I have realised I have a co-dependency issue with my relationship. I live with a narcissist who had systematically stripped me of my independence and self-esteem. And it happened on such a subtle level I was totally unaware of what was happening. I have always been such an independent and strong individual but I fear for my welfare if I leave him, because he has instilled in me a sense of fear that has crippled me.

I thought this man was the answer to my prayers, he was so kind and considerate and caring, but now he might as well be my prison guard and abuser. Which he is actually. Imagine living in a perpetual world of doubt and uncertainty, this is what I live every day. I suffer from PTSD along with BPD, Anxiety and bouts of Depression. This person has preyed on my mental health issues and has used them against me. That is what narcissists and sociopath do.

I find myself on a long road to recovery yet again. Not just with my self-esteem but with my health, my income and financial stability, my whole life. I have to heal from the abuse, build my self esteem and recover my life. I have no family to depend on, no car to get me out of here, no money and I am on a sickness benefit. I struggle to keep my home business going, and have resorted to doing online surveys for a bit of extra cash. I hate the life I have to live and the fact that my escape is something I have to work towards but I have no choice.

And so the struggle begins……..

Evil is Afoot

Evil is Afoot

This beautiful big world of ours takes all kinds. Humanitarians, philanthropists, carers, capitalists, dictators, the spiritually minded, the diligent, criminals, murderers, the creative and artistic, the inventors, discoverers and explorers.

The best we can all hope to be, is kind and considerate, industrious, capable, successful in whatever we do, loved and loving and so many other things.

Unfortunately we come across people who can be cruel, judgemental, mean-spirited, manipulative and two-faced. They form an opinion about someone in the moment they meet or set eyes on them and act accordingly to bring them down.

They can even pretend to be friendly but away from you they spew their evil words and malign your character. They are resentful towards you because to them you seem to have your life together. Little do they know the truth, that we all have our secret heartache, our own crosses to bear. We are all the same in that respect, but those who seek to destroy you have no clue as to who you really are and how similar we all are in our pain and suffering.

Life can be a painful experience at times, we are robbed of loved ones and we can find ourselves in situations sent to destroy us and everything that we hold dear.

The difference is, some of us choose to learn from our experiences, try to be better humans and would never consider causing others the pain we have suffered. But then there are those who become bitter and cruel. They think the world owes them in some way. They can’t see their own part in what they do and how it affects themselves and others. They can’t see past their own pain and victimhood. They spew forth bile that decimate the hearts and souls of others. Their disregard for the feelings of others is non-existent.

The bullies of the world are great at this. I see pain when I look at a bully but that gives them no right to cruelly cause pain and suffering to others just to feel better about themselves.

Why do some people feel threatened by others? When the very person whom they feel great dislike for, may be the very person who can help them to heal their soul.

On a personal note I try not to disrespect others and consider their feelings, I help others when I can. But I find myself in a situation where I am being bullied by two women, and all I am trying to do is earn a meagre living selling my arts and crafts at a local market. I have never shown disrespect to either of these women or set out to deliberately undermine them or cause them ill. But it seems I am the target of all their pain. They are both so angry at the world, and one I know is very lonely and feels a need to be needed. And I have become the target for all their nastiness.

It physically causes me pain, when I find myself the target of their nastiness. One even told my partner that he needs to get rid of me because I am too controlling. The truth, my partner cannot be controlled, at least not by me. He is and always has been his own man.

All my life I have been the target of people like this. I am told I have a strong presence, but I am totally unaware of it. I don’t understand why people can be like this. If I had been disrespectful toward them or done them wrong, then I could understand. Maybe I am being naïve but I just don’t understand or get it. I have always treated people as I would like to be treated. I give a lot of myself but have learned that there is a limit to how much I can give.

All I can do is turn the cheek and hope that time will help them realise I will not be broken or driven away. While inside my heart is breaking and this only compounds the pain I already feel due to my current circumstances. It is situations like this that whittle away at who you are, you question everything about yourself and yet you are not the one at fault. I have moments where I just want to walk away from my life and start anew somewhere else, become a recluse and be that crazy lady who everyone fears because I don’t integrate.

I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I am nothing to fear, I am no threat to anyone. I am just someone living their life and dealing with my pain in my own way. I seek help when I need it and I don’t make excuses for who I am. I mind my own business and try to see the best in everyone.

 

 

Taking Life by the Horns Part 4

In summary, we need to listen to what we think about ourselves and what we believe about ourselves. Question whether this is valid or true and replace the negative thoughts and beliefs with more positive ones. Give yourself a break if you make a mistake, and realise it is human to make mistakes, that is how we are supposed to learn about life and how not to make the same mistake again.

If we put the blame on others, etc we will never accept responsibility for how we create the course of our lives. It’s not about blame it is about being aware of how we are perceived by others and the impressions we give off and contribute to the course our life takes.

Think about things a little more. If you are someone for whom things tend to go wrong no matter what you do, think about what you are about to do or commit yourself to. Taking out some form of credit, for instance, do you need that full amount that you are being offered or can you do with a smaller amount, it makes a big difference in the repayments and interest you pay.

If you tend to end up in abusive relationships or your relationships all seem to be the same. Then think about why this happens, question whether you have an unconscious belief that this is what you feel you deserve. How someone treats you is solely up to them, and often how they are with you can be a reflection of what they think and believe about themselves. Others will do what they do, you have to decide whether they are treating you with respect or not and then whether you want to be treated that way or not.

Parents make mistakes, as do teachers and other significant people who cross your path, accept this about them and realise you deserve better. It really is all about what we are willing to let into our lives and put up with.

Realising your part in everything that happens to you is half way to getting a better life. You can only change you and how you think, what you believe and how others treat you.

It is up to you not to put yourself in a position where everything falls apart. If you are going to take on a loan or mortgage, really think about the possible outcomes and consequences of what you are doing. The same works for relationships and life in general.

And if you want to be happy, then be happy, that is a conscious choice. Happiness can’t be found in things or jobs or relationships or the perfect house. It is found within you.

Make a decision to look for the positive and good in everything. Because there is always something good in everything. Mistakes are made and difficulties come about, to teach us something, or to make way for something so much better. Life is full of ups and downs, how you react and what you do is what matters most. Have an escape plan or a contingency plan for every situation you find yourself in. Play the What If game. Answer that question. What if I lose my job, what will I do? Answer those questions and then if something happens or goes wrong, you will know what to do.

Think smarter, take time when making decisions and realise what you have got going for you and what is great about your life. And be kind and gentle to yourself.

Taking Life by the Horns Part 3

Taking Life by the Horns Part 3

Never for a second did I think this would become a saga. Obviously when I started this I really didn’t comprehend how much I had to share on this subject.

Decisions made can affect our lives ten fold. Some are the kind to make a decision on the spur of the moment and usually get it right. There are those who carefully think everything through, weighing up the pros and cons and get it right every time. And then there are those of us, no matter whether it is a spur of the moment or carefully thought out, we mess up almost every time.

For instance, taking out a mortgage or a loan. These are major purchases, for a house, car, a holiday, renovations on a home, a boat, caravan, motor home. A house full of furniture, white goods, a TV and sound system.

We have become a society where we must have it now and often we upgrade just for the hell of it, rather than because something has broken down or no longer serves our needs. Like a bar fridge in a house with 2 adults and 4 children, just doesn’t work.

Say you are buying a car. There are so many things to consider. Size of the vehicle, function and uses, availability and cost of repairs and parts, insurance, can you afford to pay the loan comfortably if you lose your job or take a pay cut when you change jobs? Do you have other loans and credit cards to take into consideration as well.

Do you choose the nice shiny car that you have always wished to own and is $50,000, or do you choose the car that suits you needs, your budget and costs say $20,000. But that nice shiny car you’ve always wanted and the car sales man is making you an offer you can’t refuse, is swinging your decision. Do you go with your heart or do you go with common sense?

How many of you have chosen the first option and six months down the track you can’t afford new tires or something needs fixing and it is too expensive to fix or you have lost your job and you can’t afford to make the payments. You either end up selling it and losing money, or you take on another crap job to make the payments, and take out a small loan to cover the expenses of repairs, etc. It becomes a vicious circle and you get further into debt.

So here is an example of how I would go about it.

I want to buy a place of my own, I am living in a place where monthly mortgage payments are much cheaper than rent. I have a good deposit and a great job. My partner hasn’t worked in six months but he has equity in a caravan and a good size boat, and we are okay financially. I also own a property in the city which has no mortgage and  I am renting it out. I see lots of lovely places, apartments, and houses, they are all good investments. There is only me and my partner so we only need a small place and we are both over 50 so the mortgage we would qualify for would have to be paid out in 15 years, not the usual 25-30 yrs.

There is this lovely 3 bd/2bth  house near the beach but it is $400,000 and we have to sell everything like the caravan, boat and our extra car to get the deposit together as well as what we have in savings. The place also has two yards which need upkeep and mowing and neither of us are gardeners.

Or do we find a 2 bd apartment or duplex that is half the price, has a lot of facilities like a gorgeous swimming pool and is also near the beach, we can keep both cars and the boat, and we can comfortably afford the repayments, being half of what we would be paying on the $400,000 property.

Me personally I would take the small apartment, because we would still have assets to sell in an emergency, and we could live comfortably on one wage and would be able to keep some savings aside, just in case.

So many would take the bigger house and to hell with the consequences. And often end up losing everything in the process. So many people struggle with debts they can’t afford and even worse don’t change their regular spending habits to make debt repayment easier.

So many people still go out to dinner with friends or buy lunch everyday, have the latest phone, buy coffees, have to have that new dress to go to that party. And when they get into trouble financially they don’t know how to cope. You could get another job, take out short-term loans to get by. But does that really work. As far as I am aware, taking out more loans to cover the ones you already have, doesn’t work.

We have forgotten to live within our means. But also part of it has a lot to do with not realising the consequences of our actions, not having enough foresight to realise that we are extending ourselves a bit too thinly.

Our thoughts and beliefs can also play a part in this. If we believe we are better and more acceptable if we have the big house and the flashy car, the 2.4 kids, and live a certain lifestyle, then commonsense doesn’t come into it. I would rather drive that little car I can afford to pay even if I lose my job and live in that small place and know I can sleep at night without stressing about finances. I would rather have a second-hand small screen TV than have to continue working in a job that I hate and which will eventually wear me out. I would have a few little black dresses that can be dressed up or down and tend to be nondescript and wear them over and over again without anyone realising I am wearing the same old dress every time I go out. I like to know I get my money’s worth out of something.

I think we all need to consider things more, take our time making decisions. And live a better life.