Big Scary Monsters.

Big Scary Monsters.

FEAR

That is my big scary monster. It keeps me from doing the very thing I need to. It holds me frozen to the spot. I know life can be better if I just take that step but I am held back by fear.

Fear of failure, fear of loneliness, fear of rejection. Fear of admitting weakness, fear of the unknown, fear of being judged. And yet fear is something we create in our minds and it can be fed by our thoughts and beliefs. Others can sense this fear and use it against you to control you and immobilize you into submission.

I suppose acknowledging your fears is one step in the right direction, but when you find yourself in an unreliable and unstable position, whether it be of your own doing or that of others, acknowledging and doing something to change your life is two entirely different kettles of fish.

There is a strength within me that I have drawn on many times, but now for some reason, I am hesitant to call upon it. I don’t have the support network I had before and being much older I have lost that invincibility that we all had in our youth. I have a couple of friends who support me whatever I choose to do but I am so scared to get away from the devil I know.

Once you reach a certain age, you have a sense of self but also a sense of how vulnerable we really are. How fragile we really are.  And loneliness is a big issue with older people. We struggle to connect with new people. And often have a lack of trust towards others because of the actions of those who shared your life at one point and betrayed your trust.

Logic tells me I can do this because experience has proving it time and time again. It’s just that crazy thing called fear, holding me back.

 

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The Scheme of Things

The Scheme of Things

I suppose we all have our way of dealing with life’s hiccups and the things that go wrong, the mistakes we make in life. It may seem a bit crazy to someone else but if it works and these issues get sorted, then what does it matter.

But then there are those who, rather than admit their mistakes, they blame others, and take their anger and disappointment, as well as their feelings of failure out on someone else. Especially if that person happens to have a lot of the life skills one needs to deal with failure and sorting problems out.

They bully and abuse their victims, even using the silent treatment and doing everything to make their victims feel like it is their fault the abuser messed.

Rather than accept responsibility for what went wrong and see what part they played in it, they never seem to understand and realise the impact their behaviour, decisions and choices and how it led to the problems they now face. And this is where the scheming part comes in, another hair-brained plan comes to fruition where they can continue to follow the same path they have always done.

They hang onto this scheme like a dog with an old bone, it doesn’t matter how many times they fail they just keep at the same old tired routine and wonder why it never works out for the better. Meanwhile their victims are left licking their wounds wondering what happened. Their poor victims not only has to sort out the mess that was left behind, they also have to struggle daily with the uncertainty of life with this person.

So many people often question why someone would want to stay in this situation, but what they don’t understand is the frame of mind of the victim. Imagine day in and day out someone makes little remarks about you and what you do and say, they bully you, everything is said to demean your self-esteem, you are made to question your sanity and abilities, you question your relationship skills, you wonder what you did that could have caused them to turn on you in such a way. But because you don’t have the mind of the Schemer, the abuser, the manipulator, you can never begin to understand what goes on in their minds.

Being worn down every day, like a river does to a rock, you don’t notice the damage until it is done. Whatever independence you had, self-esteem, financial security, has been whittled away till there is nothing left.

And the schemer continues about their business, unaware of the damage they have done to another human being,  not understanding the pain they have inflicted, and all simply because they have dealt with their own pain in the only way they know how, but don’t understanding the consequences of what they have done.

The damage done to the psyche of the victims, the impact on their financial as well as physical and mental well-being. And the Schemer goes about their business happy and content because they got their way and they can continue to behave exactly has they have always done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All By Myself

All By Myself

Often being alone can be a good thing. You have a chance to be with your thoughts and enjoying being on your own. For some of us being alone is cathartic, and I need my alone time, it is what keeps me sane.

But there is a bad side to it. If you are an over thinker, being alone with your thoughts can be the worst thing you can do, unless you have some good distraction techniques. I have been an over thinker but with the great coping skills I have picked up over time, I often used alone time to be mindful of my surroundings, and complete household and occupation related tasks with no distractions.

Have you ever found yourself in a room or houseful of people and felt so alone. I sometimes have this happen. There can be someone in the next room, you can hear them, you know they are there, but you behave like two strangers. You pet shows more attention and acknowledgement when you enter the room that this person.

You try to engage in a conversation, interact with this person but you are rebuffed at every attempt. You have shared a good part of your life with this person, you have been through some of your worst life stuff in their presence. But all you receive is cold emptiness. You share living arrangements and a marriage certificate but this is just a piece of paper. It could be a sibling or a parent but you still believe living alone or being alone is a much better alternative. Circumstances may dictate your choices at that moment, and you realise there is nothing left, to salvage, but you still have a commitment to this person, you still have some feelings and a need to connect.

Some relationships are extremely complicated, abusive ones can be this way, having been beaten down by words you know aren’t true you have little left within you to fight for what you deserve. Every day it is a struggle and you know you have PTSD or Stockholm Syndrome but you are drawn to this person like a moth to a flame. They create this need in you to be dependant on them, you believe you are nothing without them. But common sense and logic tells you, you deserve so much better but still those intrusive thoughts keep you chained to a prison that you didn’t create and didn’t choose.

You feel worn out, totally drained, you feel you have nothing left, but you crave the connection they once promised you, but you know you will never get it.

 

World Chaos

World Chaos

There are days when I struggle to live in this world and it is not that I have mental health issues that are pushing me to suicide. Mind you I do have mental health issues I deal with every day.

It is the people in this world.

We, as a race, have become greedy, angry, violent, disrespectful, nasty and hateful.

Today my partner and I had to get the police involved over a neighbour situation. It started with some kids throwing eggs and rocks at the house we currently rent, this began about 3 years ago. We don’t know these children and have never given them any reason to do this but they have taken it upon themselves to terrorise us for want of a better word. We only knew for sure one of the parents involved and approached this person a number of times.

One afternoon these kids were throwing rocks on the roof and then decided to throw a full can of Coke over the fence. It missed my partner’s head by inches, it could have knocked him out or even killed him, but all we heard were giggles as they hid behind the fence.

It would stop for a while and then start again out of the blue.

Now we are the kind of people who will be polite and friendly to our neighbours but we keep to ourselves and don’t involve ourselves in our neighbours lives. We watch our noise levels and don’t bother anyone. We have NEVER given these children any reason to behave the way they do.

One morning early in the recent school holidays, I was woken by a shower of rocks hitting the roof and this went on for about 15 minutes. I called the police and snuck outside to see if I could catch a photo of the kids responsible. A report was put on the police system but no police vehicle showed up, because by the time I got a call back from Police the kids had stopped and disappeared.

I put a post in a local chat group mentioning the street I lived in and wanted to warn the parents concerned that the police had been notified. A lot of abuse online and one father coming over to our house to see the photo I had taken, proving two of his children were involved. But I must praise him because the rock throwing stopped from that day.

But then it turned into peeping tom activity over the back fence. It came to a head and my partner went around to the kids to ask them to leave us alone. Next thing we know this same father from the previous time came over and abused us telling us he would punch us both in the face if we ever bothered his kids again. We were accused of all sorts of things. My partner being accused of being a pervert because he wears cut off shorts. He even threatened me.

It has come down to us both feeling unsafe in our home and wary of being in our back yard or the possibility of repercussions.

This is just a personal situation, but now we have a world leader accused of using the Russian Government to help rig an election.

Too many parents being abusive towards their children, domestic violence is on the rise, Road rage is the new thing now. On line bullying is horrendous. Children being bullied to death by cruel individuals who think it is funny.

This world is corrupt and I am not at all sure if this can be fixed.

There are many of us who try to lead with our hearts and our compassion. So many spiritually minded people from all races and religions working together to make this world a better place, but is it really making any difference?. So many cruel soulless people running rough shod over any one who gets in their way.

The longer I live the more I am compelled to pack up and find a secluded place where I can live out the rest of my years in peace and quiet, and not have to deal with this horrible world.

So much cruelty and hatred.

The Black Dog is Yapping at My Heels

The Black Dog is Yapping at My Heels

Anyone who has had Depression knows what the Black Dog is. Another bout of Depression has snuck up on me. At this point I am not suicidal but I struggle to find any good in my day. I feel teary on some days out of the blue, getting out of bed is a struggle.

When I realised what was happening I decided in that moment to do something about it. I had an online assessment done and have signed up for a Wellbeing course run by professionals. I know of online counselling available so if I feel the need to talk to someone I know where to go.

My husband’s reaction wasn’t as supportive as I had hoped, He seemed to make it all about him when we had the conversation about how I have been feeling lately. I understand and appreciate he is right in this situation with me and I know it has taken its toll on him. But when your partner comes to you and tells you they are struggling with depression again, you don’t get angry.

We are at present in a very precarious financial position with regards to his business. Every day is about wondering if we are going to meet our bills and pay the huge debt, amassed as a result of his business, not to mention the other 8 debts we currently are trying to pay off, not to mention our day-to-day living expenses.

We are not in a position to consolidate our debts and reduce the repayments, because of his self-employed status. And moving to a smaller and cheaper rental is not possible as we have no savings with which to move. Stuck between a rock and a hard place comes to mind right now.

I accept my part in our circumstances, I know what I could have done differently but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Bankruptcy is the next step if we can’t get out of this funk.

Having taken over the reins of our personal bills and rent I am hoping we will improve our situation. It will take one step at a time.

As is the case with Depression.

If you are new to mental health issues, it is difficult to recognise the signs but once you have been there, you know when you are not right.

If you have a lot of days where you feel down and sad, where you struggle to even get out of bed, you find no joy in anything in life, you go about life like you are in a fog. You need to reach out. Talk to a friend or family. Seek out your Doctor, they can refer you on for counselling. There are so many Helplines that specialise in counselling people with mental health issues. With the internet we have access to so many websites that can offer help.

We are all worthwhile, we all deserve to live. Sometimes even the strongest of us can’t cope with life and all its ups and downs. It is okay to admit when you need help. Just reach out.

If you are being bullied at school or work, talk to your parents and teachers, bosses and co workers. You are not alone. Having been a part of a number of support groups I know for a fact we are not alone. So many suffer in silence and it shouldn’t be this way. Don’t feel shame or guilt. It is perfectly natural to have moments where you find you can’t cope. We all have them.

Mental health issues are not something to be ashamed of, just because society at large still believes in the stereotypical images of a mentally ill person. We are not all straight jacket material and we don’t all go round screaming and dribbling, babbling incoherently. So many of us are high functioning. We go to work, raise families, attend school, serve you at the store, walk by you in the street, sit next to you on the train or bus.

The media and movie industries have created an image of a person with mental health issues as someone who is dangerous to the community and that is certainly not the case in about 99% of cases.

Hold your head high and tell someone what you are feeling. Ask for help, but most of all be willing to accept that help. You will be so grateful you did.

 

 

 

Evil is Afoot

Evil is Afoot

This beautiful big world of ours takes all kinds. Humanitarians, philanthropists, carers, capitalists, dictators, the spiritually minded, the diligent, criminals, murderers, the creative and artistic, the inventors, discoverers and explorers.

The best we can all hope to be, is kind and considerate, industrious, capable, successful in whatever we do, loved and loving and so many other things.

Unfortunately we come across people who can be cruel, judgemental, mean-spirited, manipulative and two-faced. They form an opinion about someone in the moment they meet or set eyes on them and act accordingly to bring them down.

They can even pretend to be friendly but away from you they spew their evil words and malign your character. They are resentful towards you because to them you seem to have your life together. Little do they know the truth, that we all have our secret heartache, our own crosses to bear. We are all the same in that respect, but those who seek to destroy you have no clue as to who you really are and how similar we all are in our pain and suffering.

Life can be a painful experience at times, we are robbed of loved ones and we can find ourselves in situations sent to destroy us and everything that we hold dear.

The difference is, some of us choose to learn from our experiences, try to be better humans and would never consider causing others the pain we have suffered. But then there are those who become bitter and cruel. They think the world owes them in some way. They can’t see their own part in what they do and how it affects themselves and others. They can’t see past their own pain and victimhood. They spew forth bile that decimate the hearts and souls of others. Their disregard for the feelings of others is non-existent.

The bullies of the world are great at this. I see pain when I look at a bully but that gives them no right to cruelly cause pain and suffering to others just to feel better about themselves.

Why do some people feel threatened by others? When the very person whom they feel great dislike for, may be the very person who can help them to heal their soul.

On a personal note I try not to disrespect others and consider their feelings, I help others when I can. But I find myself in a situation where I am being bullied by two women, and all I am trying to do is earn a meagre living selling my arts and crafts at a local market. I have never shown disrespect to either of these women or set out to deliberately undermine them or cause them ill. But it seems I am the target of all their pain. They are both so angry at the world, and one I know is very lonely and feels a need to be needed. And I have become the target for all their nastiness.

It physically causes me pain, when I find myself the target of their nastiness. One even told my partner that he needs to get rid of me because I am too controlling. The truth, my partner cannot be controlled, at least not by me. He is and always has been his own man.

All my life I have been the target of people like this. I am told I have a strong presence, but I am totally unaware of it. I don’t understand why people can be like this. If I had been disrespectful toward them or done them wrong, then I could understand. Maybe I am being naïve but I just don’t understand or get it. I have always treated people as I would like to be treated. I give a lot of myself but have learned that there is a limit to how much I can give.

All I can do is turn the cheek and hope that time will help them realise I will not be broken or driven away. While inside my heart is breaking and this only compounds the pain I already feel due to my current circumstances. It is situations like this that whittle away at who you are, you question everything about yourself and yet you are not the one at fault. I have moments where I just want to walk away from my life and start anew somewhere else, become a recluse and be that crazy lady who everyone fears because I don’t integrate.

I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I am nothing to fear, I am no threat to anyone. I am just someone living their life and dealing with my pain in my own way. I seek help when I need it and I don’t make excuses for who I am. I mind my own business and try to see the best in everyone.

 

 

Taking Life by the Horns Part 4

In summary, we need to listen to what we think about ourselves and what we believe about ourselves. Question whether this is valid or true and replace the negative thoughts and beliefs with more positive ones. Give yourself a break if you make a mistake, and realise it is human to make mistakes, that is how we are supposed to learn about life and how not to make the same mistake again.

If we put the blame on others, etc we will never accept responsibility for how we create the course of our lives. It’s not about blame it is about being aware of how we are perceived by others and the impressions we give off and contribute to the course our life takes.

Think about things a little more. If you are someone for whom things tend to go wrong no matter what you do, think about what you are about to do or commit yourself to. Taking out some form of credit, for instance, do you need that full amount that you are being offered or can you do with a smaller amount, it makes a big difference in the repayments and interest you pay.

If you tend to end up in abusive relationships or your relationships all seem to be the same. Then think about why this happens, question whether you have an unconscious belief that this is what you feel you deserve. How someone treats you is solely up to them, and often how they are with you can be a reflection of what they think and believe about themselves. Others will do what they do, you have to decide whether they are treating you with respect or not and then whether you want to be treated that way or not.

Parents make mistakes, as do teachers and other significant people who cross your path, accept this about them and realise you deserve better. It really is all about what we are willing to let into our lives and put up with.

Realising your part in everything that happens to you is half way to getting a better life. You can only change you and how you think, what you believe and how others treat you.

It is up to you not to put yourself in a position where everything falls apart. If you are going to take on a loan or mortgage, really think about the possible outcomes and consequences of what you are doing. The same works for relationships and life in general.

And if you want to be happy, then be happy, that is a conscious choice. Happiness can’t be found in things or jobs or relationships or the perfect house. It is found within you.

Make a decision to look for the positive and good in everything. Because there is always something good in everything. Mistakes are made and difficulties come about, to teach us something, or to make way for something so much better. Life is full of ups and downs, how you react and what you do is what matters most. Have an escape plan or a contingency plan for every situation you find yourself in. Play the What If game. Answer that question. What if I lose my job, what will I do? Answer those questions and then if something happens or goes wrong, you will know what to do.

Think smarter, take time when making decisions and realise what you have got going for you and what is great about your life. And be kind and gentle to yourself.