World Chaos

World Chaos

There are days when I struggle to live in this world and it is not that I have mental health issues that are pushing me to suicide. Mind you I do have mental health issues I deal with every day.

It is the people in this world.

We, as a race, have become greedy, angry, violent, disrespectful, nasty and hateful.

Today my partner and I had to get the police involved over a neighbour situation. It started with some kids throwing eggs and rocks at the house we currently rent, this began about 3 years ago. We don’t know these children and have never given them any reason to do this but they have taken it upon themselves to terrorise us for want of a better word. We only knew for sure one of the parents involved and approached this person a number of times.

One afternoon these kids were throwing rocks on the roof and then decided to throw a full can of Coke over the fence. It missed my partner’s head by inches, it could have knocked him out or even killed him, but all we heard were giggles as they hid behind the fence.

It would stop for a while and then start again out of the blue.

Now we are the kind of people who will be polite and friendly to our neighbours but we keep to ourselves and don’t involve ourselves in our neighbours lives. We watch our noise levels and don’t bother anyone. We have NEVER given these children any reason to behave the way they do.

One morning early in the recent school holidays, I was woken by a shower of rocks hitting the roof and this went on for about 15 minutes. I called the police and snuck outside to see if I could catch a photo of the kids responsible. A report was put on the police system but no police vehicle showed up, because by the time I got a call back from Police the kids had stopped and disappeared.

I put a post in a local chat group mentioning the street I lived in and wanted to warn the parents concerned that the police had been notified. A lot of abuse online and one father coming over to our house to see the photo I had taken, proving two of his children were involved. But I must praise him because the rock throwing stopped from that day.

But then it turned into peeping tom activity over the back fence. It came to a head and my partner went around to the kids to ask them to leave us alone. Next thing we know this same father from the previous time came over and abused us telling us he would punch us both in the face if we ever bothered his kids again. We were accused of all sorts of things. My partner being accused of being a pervert because he wears cut off shorts. He even threatened me.

It has come down to us both feeling unsafe in our home and wary of being in our back yard or the possibility of repercussions.

This is just a personal situation, but now we have a world leader accused of using the Russian Government to help rig an election.

Too many parents being abusive towards their children, domestic violence is on the rise, Road rage is the new thing now. On line bullying is horrendous. Children being bullied to death by cruel individuals who think it is funny.

This world is corrupt and I am not at all sure if this can be fixed.

There are many of us who try to lead with our hearts and our compassion. So many spiritually minded people from all races and religions working together to make this world a better place, but is it really making any difference?. So many cruel soulless people running rough shod over any one who gets in their way.

The longer I live the more I am compelled to pack up and find a secluded place where I can live out the rest of my years in peace and quiet, and not have to deal with this horrible world.

So much cruelty and hatred.

The Black Dog is Yapping at My Heels

The Black Dog is Yapping at My Heels

Anyone who has had Depression knows what the Black Dog is. Another bout of Depression has snuck up on me. At this point I am not suicidal but I struggle to find any good in my day. I feel teary on some days out of the blue, getting out of bed is a struggle.

When I realised what was happening I decided in that moment to do something about it. I had an online assessment done and have signed up for a Wellbeing course run by professionals. I know of online counselling available so if I feel the need to talk to someone I know where to go.

My husband’s reaction wasn’t as supportive as I had hoped, He seemed to make it all about him when we had the conversation about how I have been feeling lately. I understand and appreciate he is right in this situation with me and I know it has taken its toll on him. But when your partner comes to you and tells you they are struggling with depression again, you don’t get angry.

We are at present in a very precarious financial position with regards to his business. Every day is about wondering if we are going to meet our bills and pay the huge debt, amassed as a result of his business, not to mention the other 8 debts we currently are trying to pay off, not to mention our day-to-day living expenses.

We are not in a position to consolidate our debts and reduce the repayments, because of his self-employed status. And moving to a smaller and cheaper rental is not possible as we have no savings with which to move. Stuck between a rock and a hard place comes to mind right now.

I accept my part in our circumstances, I know what I could have done differently but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Bankruptcy is the next step if we can’t get out of this funk.

Having taken over the reins of our personal bills and rent I am hoping we will improve our situation. It will take one step at a time.

As is the case with Depression.

If you are new to mental health issues, it is difficult to recognise the signs but once you have been there, you know when you are not right.

If you have a lot of days where you feel down and sad, where you struggle to even get out of bed, you find no joy in anything in life, you go about life like you are in a fog. You need to reach out. Talk to a friend or family. Seek out your Doctor, they can refer you on for counselling. There are so many Helplines that specialise in counselling people with mental health issues. With the internet we have access to so many websites that can offer help.

We are all worthwhile, we all deserve to live. Sometimes even the strongest of us can’t cope with life and all its ups and downs. It is okay to admit when you need help. Just reach out.

If you are being bullied at school or work, talk to your parents and teachers, bosses and co workers. You are not alone. Having been a part of a number of support groups I know for a fact we are not alone. So many suffer in silence and it shouldn’t be this way. Don’t feel shame or guilt. It is perfectly natural to have moments where you find you can’t cope. We all have them.

Mental health issues are not something to be ashamed of, just because society at large still believes in the stereotypical images of a mentally ill person. We are not all straight jacket material and we don’t all go round screaming and dribbling, babbling incoherently. So many of us are high functioning. We go to work, raise families, attend school, serve you at the store, walk by you in the street, sit next to you on the train or bus.

The media and movie industries have created an image of a person with mental health issues as someone who is dangerous to the community and that is certainly not the case in about 99% of cases.

Hold your head high and tell someone what you are feeling. Ask for help, but most of all be willing to accept that help. You will be so grateful you did.

 

 

 

Evil is Afoot

Evil is Afoot

This beautiful big world of ours takes all kinds. Humanitarians, philanthropists, carers, capitalists, dictators, the spiritually minded, the diligent, criminals, murderers, the creative and artistic, the inventors, discoverers and explorers.

The best we can all hope to be, is kind and considerate, industrious, capable, successful in whatever we do, loved and loving and so many other things.

Unfortunately we come across people who can be cruel, judgemental, mean-spirited, manipulative and two-faced. They form an opinion about someone in the moment they meet or set eyes on them and act accordingly to bring them down.

They can even pretend to be friendly but away from you they spew their evil words and malign your character. They are resentful towards you because to them you seem to have your life together. Little do they know the truth, that we all have our secret heartache, our own crosses to bear. We are all the same in that respect, but those who seek to destroy you have no clue as to who you really are and how similar we all are in our pain and suffering.

Life can be a painful experience at times, we are robbed of loved ones and we can find ourselves in situations sent to destroy us and everything that we hold dear.

The difference is, some of us choose to learn from our experiences, try to be better humans and would never consider causing others the pain we have suffered. But then there are those who become bitter and cruel. They think the world owes them in some way. They can’t see their own part in what they do and how it affects themselves and others. They can’t see past their own pain and victimhood. They spew forth bile that decimate the hearts and souls of others. Their disregard for the feelings of others is non-existent.

The bullies of the world are great at this. I see pain when I look at a bully but that gives them no right to cruelly cause pain and suffering to others just to feel better about themselves.

Why do some people feel threatened by others? When the very person whom they feel great dislike for, may be the very person who can help them to heal their soul.

On a personal note I try not to disrespect others and consider their feelings, I help others when I can. But I find myself in a situation where I am being bullied by two women, and all I am trying to do is earn a meagre living selling my arts and crafts at a local market. I have never shown disrespect to either of these women or set out to deliberately undermine them or cause them ill. But it seems I am the target of all their pain. They are both so angry at the world, and one I know is very lonely and feels a need to be needed. And I have become the target for all their nastiness.

It physically causes me pain, when I find myself the target of their nastiness. One even told my partner that he needs to get rid of me because I am too controlling. The truth, my partner cannot be controlled, at least not by me. He is and always has been his own man.

All my life I have been the target of people like this. I am told I have a strong presence, but I am totally unaware of it. I don’t understand why people can be like this. If I had been disrespectful toward them or done them wrong, then I could understand. Maybe I am being naïve but I just don’t understand or get it. I have always treated people as I would like to be treated. I give a lot of myself but have learned that there is a limit to how much I can give.

All I can do is turn the cheek and hope that time will help them realise I will not be broken or driven away. While inside my heart is breaking and this only compounds the pain I already feel due to my current circumstances. It is situations like this that whittle away at who you are, you question everything about yourself and yet you are not the one at fault. I have moments where I just want to walk away from my life and start anew somewhere else, become a recluse and be that crazy lady who everyone fears because I don’t integrate.

I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I am nothing to fear, I am no threat to anyone. I am just someone living their life and dealing with my pain in my own way. I seek help when I need it and I don’t make excuses for who I am. I mind my own business and try to see the best in everyone.

 

 

Taking Life by the Horns Part 4

In summary, we need to listen to what we think about ourselves and what we believe about ourselves. Question whether this is valid or true and replace the negative thoughts and beliefs with more positive ones. Give yourself a break if you make a mistake, and realise it is human to make mistakes, that is how we are supposed to learn about life and how not to make the same mistake again.

If we put the blame on others, etc we will never accept responsibility for how we create the course of our lives. It’s not about blame it is about being aware of how we are perceived by others and the impressions we give off and contribute to the course our life takes.

Think about things a little more. If you are someone for whom things tend to go wrong no matter what you do, think about what you are about to do or commit yourself to. Taking out some form of credit, for instance, do you need that full amount that you are being offered or can you do with a smaller amount, it makes a big difference in the repayments and interest you pay.

If you tend to end up in abusive relationships or your relationships all seem to be the same. Then think about why this happens, question whether you have an unconscious belief that this is what you feel you deserve. How someone treats you is solely up to them, and often how they are with you can be a reflection of what they think and believe about themselves. Others will do what they do, you have to decide whether they are treating you with respect or not and then whether you want to be treated that way or not.

Parents make mistakes, as do teachers and other significant people who cross your path, accept this about them and realise you deserve better. It really is all about what we are willing to let into our lives and put up with.

Realising your part in everything that happens to you is half way to getting a better life. You can only change you and how you think, what you believe and how others treat you.

It is up to you not to put yourself in a position where everything falls apart. If you are going to take on a loan or mortgage, really think about the possible outcomes and consequences of what you are doing. The same works for relationships and life in general.

And if you want to be happy, then be happy, that is a conscious choice. Happiness can’t be found in things or jobs or relationships or the perfect house. It is found within you.

Make a decision to look for the positive and good in everything. Because there is always something good in everything. Mistakes are made and difficulties come about, to teach us something, or to make way for something so much better. Life is full of ups and downs, how you react and what you do is what matters most. Have an escape plan or a contingency plan for every situation you find yourself in. Play the What If game. Answer that question. What if I lose my job, what will I do? Answer those questions and then if something happens or goes wrong, you will know what to do.

Think smarter, take time when making decisions and realise what you have got going for you and what is great about your life. And be kind and gentle to yourself.

Taking Life by the Horns Part 2

Taking Life by the Horns Part 2

When I first started my blog post yesterday I didn’t realise it would become a series. So I apologise for the length. Maybe because this particular subject involves change over time and examining our thinking, beliefs and decision-making processes, that’s why this subject has taken on a life of its own.

In order to change our lives for the better, we really need to take a good, long, hard look at ourselves and work out how and in what ways, we contribute to how our lives evolve. I am not saying we are to blame for everything that has gone wrong with our lives, or the way we were treated as children or as adults. When someone treats you badly and they have no reason to, then the blame is squarely on the other person’s shoulders. It is how we react and if we continue to allow people to treat us that way, as well as letting it affect us over a long period.

How we are raised as children and how our parents, siblings and extended family acted around us, teaches us about the world. If our parents had only our best interests at heart and taught us the life lessons we needed to learn in a safe and loving environment, we tend to grow up as healthy adults and tend not to make bad decisions or take things too personally when things go wrong or people are unkind to us.

Every time someone treated you badly or called you names, put you down, criticized you, bullied you, disrespected you, it wrote on the slate of who you are (to quote my favourite Psychologist Dr Phil), and the younger you are the more damage it can do.

If we were raised to believe we were worthless, and were made to feel worthless often enough we began to believe it, to the point it became so ingrained in our psyche that we would automatically think it not realising we had actually had that thought.

I believe the first part of changing your life for the better is to change your thinking, and in order to do that, we have to catch ourselves out when we have these demeaning thoughts and question why we automatically think that way. What caused us to believe this about ourselves. Where did it come from. Was it your parent who told you, you were annoying or stupid or useless, every time you did something wrong in their eyes? Was it a school teacher or a sibling, that made you feel so stupid? Or were you bullied in school or even in a job by a co-worker or boss? It could be any number of situations that contributed to our beliefs about ourselves.

I found writing the thought on a piece  of paper and question whether that thought was valid, in my case, feelings of worthlessness, helped.  Think about moments when I felt this way, what event triggered this thought. I would question the thought’s validity. Is this true?  I would write down all the things about me that proved I wasn’t worthless, all the things I was good at, all my achievements. Think of instances when I was made to feel worthless and who was involved. Whatever came to mind I would write it down, no matter how strange or trivial it might seem at the time. And then once I understood why I had that thought in the first place and what the triggers were that caused this thought I would work out something that I could replace that thought with. Affirmations are a great way of changing your thought processes, Louise Hay is a great person to start with. She has a book that is all about this very subject. You Can Heal Your Life. And she also provides a lot of affirmations to help you change your thinking.  Dr Wayne W Dyer, is another person who used affirmations.

Changing how we think is a process, it can’t be changed overnight. But you have to want to change in the first place. You have to do the work, You have to catch yourself thinking these thoughts. And you need to question them.

It is the same with beliefs. Write down a list of beliefs you may have about yourself and others and life in general and question whether each belief is valid, or if it works for you. And if it doesn’t then brain storm about what you think would suit you better or is more positive.

One thing I want everyone to remember. Don’t apply absolutes to what you think and feel and believe. Don’t say to yourself, “That was a bad thought and I shouldn’t be thinking that way.” Because this is where we all go wrong. We tend to believe those thoughts that allow us to believe we are not a good person, or decisions that end up going pear-shaped are more a case of things not working for us and we all should consider something different. And come up with suitable replacements.

All too often, and we are all guilty of this at one time or another, think of people as being negative, or bad or toxic. And the same with thoughts and beliefs, and decisions. The spiritual/new age community can be terrible for it. As children maybe our parents scolded us for being angry or sad, and dismissed the feelings we were having, making us believe these emotions were not acceptable.

Our emotions are normal and a natural part of being human, we wouldn’t have them if we weren’t meant to. It is how we deal with them and process them and then let them go that is the important part. Don’t feel bad because you are angry about something, there is a reason why you feel that way. Acknowledge your anger and the reason behind it. And then let it go. Often we have emotions associated with certain thoughts and beliefs and they came feelings of guilty, anxiety etc. Take note of these emotions and consider why you feel this way.

It’s all about paying attention to this wonderful mind of ours.

Looks like there will be more parts to this Blog. Stay tuned for Part 3.

 

 

 

 

Taking Life by the Horns Part 1

Taking Life by the Horns Part 1

We so often wish we had better lives, that things would work out better for us. Why do we have so many things going wrong in our lives and it never seems to change. We work hard and diligently but it’s always the same day in, day out.

Part of making a change in our lives is to realise our part in how it turns out. We can blame a myriad of things. My parents are to blame for how I turned out, I was abused, I am justified in my actions because everyone else does the same, or no one cares. Too much competition. People taking advantage of my kindness and need to help others. You name it. We come up with so many excuses for what is wrong with our lives.

But has it ever occurred to anyone that maybe, we brought this all on ourselves. And I can hear you all objecting as I type, hey, I was one of those who said I didn’t ask for this, it’s not my fault. And it isn’t all our fault. Circumstances lead to a particular outcome and outside influences do affect what happens. But we make choices and decisions every day that affect what happens in our lives. And our thoughts and self beliefs have a profound affect on what we choose or decide to do.

I will try to put a different perspective on this, in the hope I can get my point across.

How many times have you hear this saying? What you put out to the universe comes back to you” Or variants of this same sentiment.

It’s true.

If you believe you are going to fail, you will and all your actions and decisions will gear you towards that outcome. And often we don’t even realise we have these beliefs about ourselves.

For years I believed I was worthless and had the thought that as long as I was useful and worked hard, and kept my head down and not made trouble I had value. But once my health and age slowed me down and I wasn’t able to do what I used to, I thought it was my time to die  because I had outlived my usefulness. What I didn’t realise was our usefulness, for want of a better word, changes throughout life. And life has a funny way of showing you how wrong you can be and letting you know when something isn’t working for you.

How many of you have debt and not matter what you seem to do, it just never seems to get sorted or paid off? Have you been known to take out more debt to pay for car repairs, or to make payments on the debts you already have? Do you just make the minimum payments and do you have redraw facilities on loans and mortgages? And how many of you use this redraw facility when things go pear-shaped and you can’t pay your rent or bills. Please understand that taking out more debt to pay for life’s expenses and to cover other debts is senseless, you just dig yourself in deeper, and this adds more stress to your already stressful financial situation.

How many of you have said, “I’ll just earn more money or take a second job”. But you soon find you are no better off than you were before.

Have any of you thought about looking at why you got into debt in the first place?

Why did you need to have that $20,000 car when you could have easily done just as well with a $10,000 car? Did you really need to go on that overseas holiday you needed to borrow $5,000 for? Or did you really need to buy that new dress for that party or did you already have some really great dresses sitting in your wardrobe that would have done just fine. And it’s not just the women. Did you really need to get that top of range Drill when you only ever go into your man shed once in a while and that new drill is just sitting in it’s box collecting dust because you only manage to use it a couple of times a year.

Do you see where I am going here?

I remember years ago I had to have this $150 pair of Italian handmade leather shoes. Spent weeks paying them off via a layaway plan. I could have paid two weeks rent with that money. And you know what, I never wore them, because as I realised they weren’t that comfortable, so they sat in my closet for about 10 years until I gave them away to charity.

We make a choice to spend money we don’t have in order to feel like we are part of something. We get ourselves into situations that we really don’t consider fully before we make a decision. And that is why we find ourselves in situations like being in so much debt we don’t know how to get out.

It is the same with life’s little ups and downs.

We need to begin to look at how we think and what we believe about ourselves and consider the consequences more fully before we makes choices.

In my next blog I will look more closely at why we think as we do and make the choices and decisions we do. Why we make mistakes and can’t seem to understand why things happen as they do. So till next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Misunderstood

Misunderstood

Do you ever feel like you are misunderstood? I get this frequently.

In fact most of my life. There is a certain percentage of people who have come into my  life as co workers and bosses, fellow market stall holders, friends  of friends, people you meet in passing, and for some reason they seem to sum me up in a micro second.

I have been labelled many things, a slut, a whore, a marriage wrecker, a cold bitch, rude, a liar, a thief, you name it. And this is all based on lies and impressions created by people who don’t know me.

At one job I was having sex with everything with a penis and this was according to one person who had spoken no more that a dozen words to me in the time we work in the same place. In truth, I was married at the time, admittedly the marriage was failing, but the last thing I wanted was to complicate it with having sex with anyone else. I had a reputation and I didn’t have to do anything to gain it. I never understood why this woman had it in for me, she hated me and that was that. I even tried to be friendly with her as I do with any one I work with, but she wouldn’t have it.

I have a stepdaughter, whose mother has a problem with me. I have always, always had my stepdaughter’s best interests at heart. From day one I made an effort not to bring my own personal feelings into the situation and respect this woman as the mother of my husband’s child. But after the a couple of interactions at pick up and drop off, her attitude towards me became disrespectful and rude. I have never spoken a bad word about this woman to her daughter and have on occasion explained to my step daughter why her mother sometimes does the things she does. I keep my personal feelings out of it. But her mother has not had the same respect or consideration for me. We have had nothing but problems with her from the beginning and had to go through the legal system twice to ensure my husband was able to have a relationship with his child, because her mother did her level best to stop visitation. My husband has always paid his share of support even when he was not required by law to do so.

About 4 years ago I was accused of sharing conversations that took place in a class I was taking at the time with other people who were associated with the teacher and her little clique of friends. It turns out this group of friends were having problems and a lot of bitchiness and backstabbing was going on. I apparently was a spy for the “Other side” and I instigated a lot of the trouble that went on. I only knew 5 members of this inner circle and I was friends with just one. Out of the other 4, one I know longer spoke to and hadn’t for 12 months and the other 3 were in the class I was attending, 1 being the teacher.

Until this one class when there was a mega bitch session between the teacher and two of my classmates, about the rift within this group of friends, I was totally unaware of the issues they were having. I was ostracised and eventually left the course as I just felt unwelcome. I wanted to finish the course but with another class later but the teacher sent me a message inferring I was unwelcome.

And now I face a situation where a woman I don’t know and haven’t been introduced to, who attends the same Markets as I do, doesn’t like to be situated near me. The very first time I attended the same market, she spoke to the organiser and was very unhappy about not being informed of my presence at the market. And the funny thing, yes we do sell two similar items but two, soy candles and incense. And even now she is still making it me that is the problem. I just don’t understand why she has a problem with me.

At school one of my friends was spreading rumours behind my back and yet was as nice as pie to my face. I caught shingles one time which is a form of Chicken Pox, and I just happened to have it in my throat as well as on my body. Everyone was told I had Venereal disease in my throat from giving too many head jobs.

All my life this has happened to me. I sometimes wonder if I have a tattoo on my forehead that tells people I am a patsy for their bitchiness, or I give off this scent that just irritates some people.

I am an introvert, I am innately shy and have been most of my life. I try to be friendly and respectful. I may not always run up to people and introduce myself and fawn all over them but I try to get to know people. Some say these people feel threatened but Why? What is so special about me that they need to feel this way?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I have issues with trusting people. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and try not to give off the impression of mistrust. Even if my instincts are telling me this person may not be what they seem, I get to know them.

There are many days when I just want to pack up everything and move somewhere remote when I don’t have to put up with this judgement. If these people have an issue with me say something, talk it out with me, don’t be a complete arsehole about it. Take the time to get to know me first before you go shooting your mouth off about me.

I just don’t understand it. And it just gets frustrating and old after a while. Just leave me alone, I am no harm or threat to you. I am just someone who wants to go about my way without it affecting or hurting too many people.

Some say it is more about the other person than it is about me, and maybe that is true but why is it okay for these people to judge me based on their own issues and problems. Why is it okay for them to say hurtful and disparaging things about me?

IN OTHER WORDS DON’T TAKE YOUR SHIT OUT ON ME, IT’S NOT MY FAULT.