Life and All It’s Intricacies

Blogging is an interesting way of sharing our life experiences and how we each individually deal with obstacles and challenges that come our way.

Recently I was officially diagnosed with Fibromyalgia although I have been dealing with it for about 20 years. I also have another auto immune disorder called Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. I could go on and on about the various symptoms and issues I have to deal with on a daily basis, but then I would also have to add to it the Borderline Personality Disorder issues and the Anxiety I have to battle with on a daily basis.

Often getting a diagnosis of a physical or mental illness can be devastating. You go through a gambit of emotions. Life is unfair, why did this happen to me, what did I do to deserve this. These are all thoughts that go through our minds and it is fair and reasonable that we feel this way and that we ask these questions.

I once read “You are given the life you can handle”, and recently I saw a quote on Facebook that said “So I must be a real badass”. I have not had an easy life but I could probably reach out and touch a dozen people in a big crowd that have had it much worse than me.

Someone once told me you choose the life you live, you choose the parents you get, because you have something to learn from life. This thought process is based on the Buddhist way of thinking where they believe in reincarnation. Whatever issues you faced in a previous life and never resolved, you make a choice to come back where you can face these same issues in the hope that you will finally have your closure. I don’t know whether this is true, even on a deeply subconscious level I would like to think I wouldn’t deliberately wish for a tough life.

I like to believe that we make decisions in life based on our beliefs about ourselves and what we believe we deserve. If we have good self-worth then our decisions are based on our own self-knowledge that we are good people and we deserve good in life. And vice versa.

So in saying all this, I have the disorders and health issues I do and once thing that has come out of all of this is I AM STRONG. I AM A REAL BADASS.

I don’t know any other way other than to get up and keep going no matter what life throws at me. It is just the way I am.

How we approach hard times and challenges is what defines what road our journey will take us on.

I see my diagnoses as a positive thing, it is an opportunity to find answers and solutions, a reminder that I need to take better care of myself and honour myself as a human being. And an opportunity to educate those who have not been touched by a particular illness whether it be, mental or physical. Too long have we faced scepticism over diseases and disorders that show no visible signs. If they were made up and just an excuse for someone to get out of working or taking responsibility, then why does the medical profession have names for them. And research has shown that there is a medical fact11057645_860969127324018_4159580403020285054_n to back them up.

Unfortunately people are too quick to judge and jump to conclusions about a person. Who knows why some do this. Being open-minded is about compassion and accepting that just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

 

 

 

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Weight of the World Part 2

My last blog was about my decision to work on my health and reduce my weight. I am glad I wrote that blog as it put in words what I needed to say to myself.

AM I WORTH IT?

The answer is YES!!!!!!!!!

I started walking every day, I don’t walk far as I am quite unfit and have to deal with joint pain but I make sure I work aerobically. Each day I push myself a little harder, but when I am really sore I take it easy. As time goes on the pain in my joints will be easier to manage, it is just getting over that initial hurdle.

Not believing in diets, I haven’t put myself on a starvation regime, or taken on one of those celebrity diets. I have cut my portions sizes a little, cut out all the little snacks and eat less bread and other complex carbohydrates, I am gluten intolerant, so that part is easy.

The secret is not to deprive yourself, it is about cutting down on the amount of food you eat and replacing all the processed foods and unhealthy snacks with healthy alternatives. I still have my chocolate, but instead of a row of a chocolate bar, I have about 3 squares.

In just one week I have gone from 110.1 kg to 107.7kg and I have made no major life changes, other than being more active and cutting down on how much I eat, making better choices when it comes to snacks.

HERE’S TO THIS CONTINUED SUCCESS.

 

Weight of the World

Being fully aware of my weight gain, I decided to weigh myself yesterday. I was blown over. I had no idea, I know I have gone up a size in the last 12 months but I had no idea how much I actually weighed. We have never owned a scale so I never bothered to check my weight.

110.1 kilograms on a 165cm frame. 17stone 4lb on a 5’5″ frame.

I was gobsmacked.

When I look in the mirror I see all my pain as an armour of protection. I am an emotional eater, when I feel emotional pain I shove food in my mouth. Every time I am in an emotionally vulnerable situation, I protect myself with my fat. What I look on the outside is how I feel on the inside.

My BPD means I have little control on how much my emotions affect me. I feel hurt deeply, and it is hard to let it go. Since my early childhood I learned to squash my feelings down so they would not affect others. They were easily dismissed by my mother as unimportant, because she was trying to deal with her own pain. Not right but that was the way it was.

Procrastination is my best friend. I always have the perfect excuse to not deal with my weight, because deep down I know it is my protection. Food is my lover, it makes me feel safe and warm and loved, it gives me that high that makes me feel happy. It makes me smile, takes the pain away for a few moments.

In reality I am smothering myself and my feelings to death by the weight that is wearing down my little frame. I am slowly killing myself and I wonder if I really care.

My drug is food, others it is alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, and the list goes on. Some even use exercise as an addiction.

I understand my addiction, what I need is a way to cope better so I don’t turn to the food for emotional comfort.

So, I have a choice. Do I continue to gain weight to the point where it seriously affects my health and mobility, bearing in mind I already have joint issues that cause me pain everyday? Or do I get off my arse and do something about it. I know how to eat healthy, I know how to exercise, I know what I can and can’t do. And logically I know how to get the weight off. I can push past the physical pain I live with everyday because I know it will only get better as I lose the weight.

But I have to figure out if I’m really worth the effort. The pain I feel right now, for having done this to myself yet again is fighting to get out. I need to stop numbing myself and feel these emotions; and just let them go.

I know it is a long journey as I have at least 40 kilos to lose. And I know I can do it, I have done it before. But can I deal with the vulnerability I will feel when I have lost the weight? I will be able to find effective and non dysfunctional ways to deal with my emotions?

I have a decision to make………………….