A Narcissistic Mother

A Narcissistic Mother

In 2012 I found the many answers I searched for, for years. It took a few visits to ER with palpitations and other heart related symptoms and numerous tests later and I was advised to see a psychologist for evaluation. I am so glad I did. With the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) I discovered who I was and the gaping black hole inside was finally filled. My severe Anxiety and bouts of Depression were finally explained.

The best day of my life was walking into that private room to meet my psychologist Damien, he was my second saviour. My first being my Dad. We sat and talked and questions were asked, he set me homework and got me to do some tests. It was at this point I was totally stunned by the diagnosis. It never occurred to me that I could have a mental health issue.

Living with a feeling of never fitting in or belonging, a mother who could never open her heart to me, the constant criticism, never enough, the feelings of worthlessness, the constant need to please, the emptiness that plagued much of my life. I believed I was no good. Damien taught me some fantastic skills that freed me from my crippling anxiety, today I am able to go pretty much any where and have little or no anxiety.

Being diagnosed Borderline was like coming home, to me. I finally belonged, I finally felt complete. But something niggled at me. I have always been someone who must have answers, to know the why’s and wherefores of everything. I knew there was just one missing link to my life puzzle. I had to understand why I drew certain people into my life and why I chose the men I do.

The day I walked into Damien’s office I had begun a journey I knew would take me to some painful and heartbreaking times in my life. My instinct was telling me I had to do whatever it was to find the answers.

About a week ago I saw an article in my Facebook news feed that really caught my attention. I had read several articles, etc on this particular subject because I had been drawn to it at every turn.

NARCISSISTIC MOTHER – DIVIDE AND CONQUER.

I clicked on the link and found myself reading about the very person who gave birth to me and raised me, for want of a better word. In that moment I knew my mother could never have loved me, because she was incapable of love.

Narcissists are incapable of genuine unconditional love, they act and emote solely out of selfishness and self-involvement. There are the Narcissists who are arrogant and seem to succeed in life, those who have delusions of grandeur. But the worst and most insidious of the narcissists are the ones who hate themselves and inflict pain on others, deny their victims feelings and needs all to feel superior and get off on destroying another person. They have no conscience, and are incapable of any genuine kindness or love. These narcissists wear a mask of being kind and caring and humanitarian, they are hard to spot. Charm and charisma is their weapon against their victims. And they suck their victims dry of every ounce of self-esteem, independence and energy. They are the chameleons of the human world, wearing whatever mask they need in order to get their narcissistic supply. To the outside world they seem quite genuine and will fool even the most astute person into believing the lie they live.

I could write volumes about the Narcissists of the world.

What I want to say here is, once I realised the truth about my mother, I was finally free. I knew I could never be enough for my mother but that is okay with me. I never hurt my mother or judged her, I was never cruel toward her, I loved her with all my heart and I spent so much of my life punishing myself for her sins. I don’t hate my mother because the one thing I realise is she was a very damaged and broken individual. And I forgave her.

I don’t for one second, condone her treatment of me but I understand it. We all make choices about how we live our lives and treat others. Every decision we make or action we take is a choice, and we make these choices, etc based on what we know at the time. I learned as a child to cope with my childhood, in a dysfunctional way because it worked to appease my mother. But as an adult I continued to live this way, and I couldn’t understand why my life was as it was. It is because I made choices based on my set of coping skills from my child hood. I made the choice to continue as I had always done, instead of finding a different way of being.

In the last few years I have learned and had to discover new ways of coping and living, it has been extremely hard, but it has so been worth it. My father apologised for the way my mother was, he apologised for taking the easy way when it came to dealing with my mother, but the good thing about my dad, he more than made up for it after my mother died.

Some of the surprising things I have discovered about my mother, was she had four children. I had two brothers and one sister. But none of them were to my father in spite of her passing off the brother, I knew existed, as my father’s son. My eldest cousin turned out to be my eldest brother and when he reached out to get to know me, he was stopped. The one regret I have is not getting to know him, as he died in 1994.

The brother I grew up with turned out to be a child molester as I was his first victim. Recently I was able to confront him and put his abuse squarely back on his shoulders.

Letting go of the past is cathartic, it saved my life. I don’t hate anyone, I am able to look back and realise everything that happened made me who I am today. I am the strongest person I know, and I don’t give up. I know my father loved me unconditionally and I will always love him for that. I know I was loved, and I never failed anyone or let anyone down.

Healing is key.

 

Respect Your Children

Respect Your Children

I just listened to my neighbour and her young teenage son having a fight at the top of their voices. The son was using all the expletives known and probably others not so well-known. This is a regular occurrence. Recently he stayed at his Nanna’s place for a while, as his grandmother has no problems with him.

This is a single parent family, mother and two boys. I have never seen a father in the picture, don’t know the story behind this family. Grandma is a lovely lady, I have spoken to her briefly on a few occasions.

How this mother and son talk to each other is out right abuse. And I am told the mother has hit the boy in full view of the street. I haven’t seen this personally for myself.

Every time I hear this boy raise his voice to his mother, all I hear is pain and his cry for some connection with his mother. I have heard her call him a Fuck wit on one occasion. Excuse the language.

This boy has been acting out by throwing stones at our place, for no reason other than to show off in front of his friends. He thinks it is funny, but one time a full can of Coke came over the fence and nearly hit my husband in the head.

When a child challenges you the best way to deal is to not lower yourself to their level. They will throw tantrums and scream to get what they want. And when you choose to scream and yell at them, call them names and be negative toward them you are lowering yourself to their level. But above all you are telling them it is okay to behave that way. If mum and dad can yell and scream then why can’t I?

Children learn what they live. And if they throw a tantrum and get their way, they will continue to do what works to get them what they want.

Respect your children as human beings with feelings, every cruel word you speak to them they take on board and they feel it exponentially. A child’s brain hasn’t developed enough to differentiate between you being angry at them or their actions.

So many people have become complacent about all kinds of abuse. What can I do about it? It has nothing to do with me. You are watching another person destroying another person’s soul with their behaviour and words. Report it to the police, and child protection agencies. Contact your local member of Government. Take the parent aside and tell them what they are doing isn’t right. What ever it takes to stop this abuse.

We cannot stand idly by and let this go on. I have reported this and many incidents to the relevant authorities. And I am getting to the stage where I am going to approach the mother and tell her to get professional help. Your doctor can recommend lots of good parenting programmes that will help you to deal with behavioural issues with your children.

This boy is hurting and his mother can’t see it. She is too caught up in her own stuff to realise the damage she is doing. Children should be guided and educated and loved and accepted. If they do something wrong, talk to them about it, explain what the problem is but never at any point, denigrate them just because you are angry. Children are learning from the day they are born and we as parents and adults are their teachers. How many parents demand respect from their children, how about reciprocation of that very respect. As a human being your child deserves basic human respect and to be treated with kindness and love. Be  mindful that in order for them to do the right thing they need to be shown or encouraged to do the right thing.

Catch your son or daughter doing good, Celebrate their successes and triumphs. Ignore bad behaviour especially if it is specifically done to get a rise out of you. And if in public remove the child from the situation. Don’t say a word. If it means leaving shopping standing in the middle of the supermarket then, do it. Don’t raise your voice, don’t put them down. Be the adult and act like the adult and the one in control.

 

The World of Reality Part 3

Reality TV is very much a part of our lives. Married at first sight, The Real Housewives, Kardashians, Big Brother, and many more.

Our fascination with how the other half-lives has become almost obsessive. It can be an interesting insight and often, in reality, it proves that money can’t buy happiness, regardless of the glitz and glamour, these are real people with real problems.

The funny part about all this, the world of Psychology used to create situations just like this and observe the actions and reactions of people in certain situations. This was considered inhumane and banned, and yet people willing sign up for this stuff because they are on TV and get paid to do it. These are just willing science experiments. And the public are observers.

I am a fan of shows like the House Flipping shows and renovation shows. I like informative and interesting subjects. As much as I am not a fan of Bear Grylls, or as I call him Nom, Nom Bear; he teaches people how to survive in dangerous situations. It is all about teaching people survival skills in any climate or terrain.

Unfortunately there are way too many reality shows that focus on superficiality and consumerism. We allow our children to watch these shows and follow these people not realising these people are role models for the next generation. Many have criminal records, have no real education, misbehave badly and think they are immune to prosecution. Alcohol and drug problems are prominent. And in some cases people are famous for being assholes.

The ‘stars’ of these shows and people who try to emulate then are often bullied and stalked by the media and are targets of the trolls that inhabit our social media world.

I mentioned in a previous blog on this subject about a young woman who was a Kim Kardashian wannabe. She had 500k followers and a lot of them were very rude and often threatening towards her. She was bullied terribly. Admittedly her statements were really not very smart. Like the YouTube  video saying if a guy hits you he must really love you because he is risking imprisonment on assault charges. That was really stupid and set back all efforts to protect women and children from domestic abuse. Young women and girls are easily impressionable. Having been in an abusive relationship this is not what you call love, No Real Man can possibly love you and then hurt you..

For me personally, I wouldn’t want to be any of these women or men in the Reality TV world. That kind of scrutiny and people judging you based on how the show is edited. I thought about signing up for The Biggest Loser to help me with my weight issues, but you literally sign your life away. Recently information has come to light that the contestants are pushed way beyond limits and end up with terrible injuries. And this kind of drastic weight loss is not good for your health. We really need to start censoring what we watch. The TV producers have no conscience or consideration for the impact these shows have on the public.

From a psychological prospective these shows are fascinating. Watching how these people react to certain situations, gives one great insight into the human psyche.

What is this world coming to.