Emotional Rescue

Emotional Rescue

Christmas this year has been particularly bad. I have no family to speak of other than my partner and his daughter. And his daughter is with her mother this year. No decorations went up, and we didn’t have a proper Chrissy dinner.

For some months now my partner has been running his own business, providing goods to both wholesale clients and the public via local markets. And in the beginning it was good. The money was coming in and life was starting to improve. But something seems to have gone wrong. At least with the market side of things.

Our summer weather in Australia can be quite hot and this does play havoc with the fruit and vegetables we sell. And it seems we have some competition. Last night, being Christmas Eve we attended a local market with the hope that people would be wanting to get some last-minute things before they head off on their holidays or to parties, and the like. But it wasn’t to be. I also make Scented Soy Candles and sell some Spiritual items that go great as gifts, which went well but definitely not enough to cover the money we lost on Fruit and Vege.

I suppose it has been coming for some time. My partner’s business is in trouble and we have a rather large debt because of it,aside from the personal ones we already have. And we have no way of paying this new one off. We will regroup after Christmas and make some decisions, in regards to the Markets. At this point I don’t know what to do.

We are really struggling and I fear we may have to resort to going bankrupt. This is something we have never done and wish not to ever do. But we may have no choice.

I am angry that this has happened. I know that it isn’t all up to bad luck and competition. There is some stubbornness and pig-headedness involved. I know I am in part to blame because I could have spoken up and very loudly. I always shared my thoughts and opinions on the issues we have had but, never really pushed it home to my partner.

I am so scared that we are going to lose everything. We need to move because we can no longer afford the rent we are paying but we have no savings, to fall back on. I hate this house because it has been so badly neglected by the owner and we have been left without any stove top facilities for 2+ years. I could go on about the problems with this current place we live in but, it would only frustrate me no end.

I am angry that I have allowed things to get so bad, but sometimes some people will not take sound advice based on years of being in business with my own family. I am angry that my partner kept flogging a dead horse for so long in the hope it would turn around.

I need to express my emotions at this time as being Borderline, it is so easy to let them overwhelm me and take over my life. I see so many people on social media enjoying Christmas and having great parties and family lunches and I am angry that we can’t be the same. I am frustrated with our situation and this has been going on for a long while now. It is such a stressful environment to be in, and it doesn’t help my Anxiety. I am so disappointed in my life and how it has turned out. So many issues to deal with, mentally, health wise, financially and personally. Life shouldn’t be this hard. I don’t deserve a life this hard and stressful.

The worst part with being a Borderline is we tend to get so caught up emotionally in what is happening that we tend to spiral down into a rut, and getting out is a struggle. I feel I am angry all the time and I need to do something about it. I am going to sit down with a notebook and a pencil and formulate some lists. Especially to do with the current issues we face, and detailed plans about how to fix them. Also I need to make up a list of what needs to be done in order to improve our lives and set out detailed steps we need to take. And most of all I need to shake myself out of this hole I find myself in and start making myself smile.

 

I need an emotional rescue.

Yule time

Yule time

It’s that time of year again. Trees are going up and decorations adorn. Lights sparkle and blink in the night sky. Presents are wrapped and the stores are raped and rampaged. The larder is stuffed full and the refridgerators are overflowing.

Families rush around finding the perfect gift for the right person. Every moment of Christmas Eve and Day are planned down to the tee. So many rush around from place to place on the day, most of it spent in the car.

Finally we stumble through our own door and collapse into bed, too full to sleep. So much food left over. What will be done with it. Oh well, leftovers for the next week.

But how many of us get ourselves heavily into debt to create the perfect Christmas and fill our children’s Christmas wish lists.

How many of us throw out more food than we could eat, food that has gone to waste when it could have been given to homeless shelters. And how many of us spend this most holy of days alone because we have no family or live too far from family.

How many of us go without food on that day because our luck took a down turn. How many of our elderly are left on their own, struggling to keep warm in the northern hemisphere, or cool in the southern hemisphere.

How many of us have been abandoned by our families because we don’t fit in to what is acceptable according their standards.

How many of us can no longer celebrate Christmas because we have lost too many of our loved ones.

How many of us don’t have children, so there is no point to all the fuss.

I am someone who has been abandoned by what little family I do have left and have lost so many loved ones, that Christmas has lost its meaning to me.

I have found that it has become one big commercial exercise, that has people putting themselves into debt just to make the perfect day. They spend so much and buy so much, it is just all waste to me. When I think of the people who are starving in our cities, and all the gluttonous waste that happens at this time of year.

I watch people rushing around, nerves frazzled, stressed so much. People rushing around in their cars, not paying attention to what they are doing or what is going on around them.

To me it is just another day. This year I have only put up a little tree, because each year it is just a nuisance to drag out all the decorations and unpack the tree. After the day itself, the tree stands unlit and gathering dust, because it is such a pain to pack it all away again.

I don’t begrudge anyone their Christmas day. If it a special day for you then so be it. If you have all your family around you I wish you all the best.

But to me Christmas has lost its sparkle……