World Chaos

World Chaos

There are days when I struggle to live in this world and it is not that I have mental health issues that are pushing me to suicide. Mind you I do have mental health issues I deal with every day.

It is the people in this world.

We, as a race, have become greedy, angry, violent, disrespectful, nasty and hateful.

Today my partner and I had to get the police involved over a neighbour situation. It started with some kids throwing eggs and rocks at the house we currently rent, this began about 3 years ago. We don’t know these children and have never given them any reason to do this but they have taken it upon themselves to terrorise us for want of a better word. We only knew for sure one of the parents involved and approached this person a number of times.

One afternoon these kids were throwing rocks on the roof and then decided to throw a full can of Coke over the fence. It missed my partner’s head by inches, it could have knocked him out or even killed him, but all we heard were giggles as they hid behind the fence.

It would stop for a while and then start again out of the blue.

Now we are the kind of people who will be polite and friendly to our neighbours but we keep to ourselves and don’t involve ourselves in our neighbours lives. We watch our noise levels and don’t bother anyone. We have NEVER given these children any reason to behave the way they do.

One morning early in the recent school holidays, I was woken by a shower of rocks hitting the roof and this went on for about 15 minutes. I called the police and snuck outside to see if I could catch a photo of the kids responsible. A report was put on the police system but no police vehicle showed up, because by the time I got a call back from Police the kids had stopped and disappeared.

I put a post in a local chat group mentioning the street I lived in and wanted to warn the parents concerned that the police had been notified. A lot of abuse online and one father coming over to our house to see the photo I had taken, proving two of his children were involved. But I must praise him because the rock throwing stopped from that day.

But then it turned into peeping tom activity over the back fence. It came to a head and my partner went around to the kids to ask them to leave us alone. Next thing we know this same father from the previous time came over and abused us telling us he would punch us both in the face if we ever bothered his kids again. We were accused of all sorts of things. My partner being accused of being a pervert because he wears cut off shorts. He even threatened me.

It has come down to us both feeling unsafe in our home and wary of being in our back yard or the possibility of repercussions.

This is just a personal situation, but now we have a world leader accused of using the Russian Government to help rig an election.

Too many parents being abusive towards their children, domestic violence is on the rise, Road rage is the new thing now. On line bullying is horrendous. Children being bullied to death by cruel individuals who think it is funny.

This world is corrupt and I am not at all sure if this can be fixed.

There are many of us who try to lead with our hearts and our compassion. So many spiritually minded people from all races and religions working together to make this world a better place, but is it really making any difference?. So many cruel soulless people running rough shod over any one who gets in their way.

The longer I live the more I am compelled to pack up and find a secluded place where I can live out the rest of my years in peace and quiet, and not have to deal with this horrible world.

So much cruelty and hatred.

Moments of Regret

I don’t believe I have any real regrets. I want to be able to part from this world knowing I have completely finished with everything.

Having missed the opportunity to get to know a much older brother I didn’t know I had until recently, I discovered recently he had passed away in 1994. It breaks my heart that I never got to know him, but what I do know, he tried to reach out to me when I was a young teenager but my mother put a stop to it. I grew up thinking he was my cousin, but recent research proved otherwise. If I do regret anything, it was never knowing him.

Last night I had trouble getting to sleep, I was exhausted when I turned out the light, but sleep eluded me. I felt sad. I began imagining a scenario where I was able to reconnect with my 2 nieces and nephew, who are now grown up and the girls have children of their own.

One thing that sticks in my mind about the whole situation isn’t so much that I don’t see them and was never really allowed to be a significant part of their lives, it is knowing that they, particularly the girls and the one grand niece may have been sexually abused by my own brother as I was when I was a little girl.

It breaks my heart to know that maybe he did to them what he did to me. I pray that he learned his lesson and never did it again, as he was only 14 at the time, but the cynic in me tends to believe he offended again.

It kills me that I didn’t speak up, and this could have led him to re-offend and ruin the lives of other young girls, being his own daughters and grand-daughter. I was born in a time when children didn’t speak up, and if the abuser was caught in the act, help was never sought because of the shame associated with child molestation. It was a dirty little secret that was kept within the family and help was never sought for the victims. I was threatened to silence. I was told I would bring shame on the family if this got out. I lived with this guilt and shame for most of my life.

I have spoken out in recent years and my nephew now knows the truth, whether he believes it or not, is up to him. There will always be that question in the back of his mind, that niggling doubt. And with that, he will protect any children he has himself and will look out for the safety and well-being of his niece and possibly his nephews.

I have confronted my brother but as is to be expected he will never admit it or apologise, but that is not why I did it. I wanted to put the shame and guilt back where it belonged and now I can let it all go.

After my imagined scenario, I was able to admit to myself that I feel bad that I didn’t do more for these girls. But I can only do something about it today and tomorrow, I can’t change the past and I have done all I can to ensure the safety of future generations.

Tears were shed. It was all I can do. Cry for the innocence lost if my worst fears have been realised. I pray that my nieces and grand niece, find peace and healing if they were abused. I suppose it is something I will have to process and deal with until I find my peace.