Life in a Nutshell

It has been several months since my last post on here. And to be honest I really can’t say why? Not sure if I lost myself or just couldn’t be bothered. I really don’t know.

Life is just getting too hard. Where do I begin?

I am angry and frustrated that life is still a big shit pile of problems and debts. I am anxious because there is so much uncertainty. I have been working hard on myself and have realised I play the victim a lot of the time. Simply because I feel the need to justify why I feel the way I do. I feel I have to defend myself constantly and not sure if it is just old behavioural patterns so ingrained I can’t help falling back into old habits when things get tough, or just because it’s easier than doing the hard work and taking responsibility for my life.

Recently I spent a few days in hospital because of an antidepressant medication I was taking. I developed serotonin syndrome from taking Valium. The surprising part was I only ever took half the dose and only when I needed it. But leading up to my hospital stay a lot of stress was causing me to take it everyday. So now I have to live without it. And my other medication escitolapram isn’t enough to keep my anxiety  at bay so I can function. I am okay at home by myself and with my cat, until my partner comes home and then I am on edge all the time till he goes to bed.

My partner is a source of much of my stress and problems. He lives life by the seat of his pants, with finances and his own wellbeing. He had a prescribed medication addiction as well as over the counter medication. And had just recently been labelled a doctor shopper because of it. I knew this would eventually happen, so he is the one who has to live with the consequences of his actions. Unfortunately this has impacted on our financial situation and that affects me. He is unemployable because he is accident prone and too arrogant to listen to his employers. And his attitude to wards money is terrible. His spending habits are so haphazard and spontaneous with no consideration for how to pay for things. If money is in his account he spends it, not considering that maybe tomorrow he has to make a car payment or loan payment.

I have realised I have a co-dependency issue with my relationship. I live with a narcissist who had systematically stripped me of my independence and self-esteem. And it happened on such a subtle level I was totally unaware of what was happening. I have always been such an independent and strong individual but I fear for my welfare if I leave him, because he has instilled in me a sense of fear that has crippled me.

I thought this man was the answer to my prayers, he was so kind and considerate and caring, but now he might as well be my prison guard and abuser. Which he is actually. Imagine living in a perpetual world of doubt and uncertainty, this is what I live every day. I suffer from PTSD along with BPD, Anxiety and bouts of Depression. This person has preyed on my mental health issues and has used them against me. That is what narcissists and sociopath do.

I find myself on a long road to recovery yet again. Not just with my self-esteem but with my health, my income and financial stability, my whole life. I have to heal from the abuse, build my self esteem and recover my life. I have no family to depend on, no car to get me out of here, no money and I am on a sickness benefit. I struggle to keep my home business going, and have resorted to doing online surveys for a bit of extra cash. I hate the life I have to live and the fact that my escape is something I have to work towards but I have no choice.

And so the struggle begins……..


The Black Dog is Yapping at My Heels

The Black Dog is Yapping at My Heels

Anyone who has had Depression knows what the Black Dog is. Another bout of Depression has snuck up on me. At this point I am not suicidal but I struggle to find any good in my day. I feel teary on some days out of the blue, getting out of bed is a struggle.

When I realised what was happening I decided in that moment to do something about it. I had an online assessment done and have signed up for a Wellbeing course run by professionals. I know of online counselling available so if I feel the need to talk to someone I know where to go.

My husband’s reaction wasn’t as supportive as I had hoped, He seemed to make it all about him when we had the conversation about how I have been feeling lately. I understand and appreciate he is right in this situation with me and I know it has taken its toll on him. But when your partner comes to you and tells you they are struggling with depression again, you don’t get angry.

We are at present in a very precarious financial position with regards to his business. Every day is about wondering if we are going to meet our bills and pay the huge debt, amassed as a result of his business, not to mention the other 8 debts we currently are trying to pay off, not to mention our day-to-day living expenses.

We are not in a position to consolidate our debts and reduce the repayments, because of his self-employed status. And moving to a smaller and cheaper rental is not possible as we have no savings with which to move. Stuck between a rock and a hard place comes to mind right now.

I accept my part in our circumstances, I know what I could have done differently but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Bankruptcy is the next step if we can’t get out of this funk.

Having taken over the reins of our personal bills and rent I am hoping we will improve our situation. It will take one step at a time.

As is the case with Depression.

If you are new to mental health issues, it is difficult to recognise the signs but once you have been there, you know when you are not right.

If you have a lot of days where you feel down and sad, where you struggle to even get out of bed, you find no joy in anything in life, you go about life like you are in a fog. You need to reach out. Talk to a friend or family. Seek out your Doctor, they can refer you on for counselling. There are so many Helplines that specialise in counselling people with mental health issues. With the internet we have access to so many websites that can offer help.

We are all worthwhile, we all deserve to live. Sometimes even the strongest of us can’t cope with life and all its ups and downs. It is okay to admit when you need help. Just reach out.

If you are being bullied at school or work, talk to your parents and teachers, bosses and co workers. You are not alone. Having been a part of a number of support groups I know for a fact we are not alone. So many suffer in silence and it shouldn’t be this way. Don’t feel shame or guilt. It is perfectly natural to have moments where you find you can’t cope. We all have them.

Mental health issues are not something to be ashamed of, just because society at large still believes in the stereotypical images of a mentally ill person. We are not all straight jacket material and we don’t all go round screaming and dribbling, babbling incoherently. So many of us are high functioning. We go to work, raise families, attend school, serve you at the store, walk by you in the street, sit next to you on the train or bus.

The media and movie industries have created an image of a person with mental health issues as someone who is dangerous to the community and that is certainly not the case in about 99% of cases.

Hold your head high and tell someone what you are feeling. Ask for help, but most of all be willing to accept that help. You will be so grateful you did.






Do you ever feel like you are misunderstood? I get this frequently.

In fact most of my life. There is a certain percentage of people who have come into my  life as co workers and bosses, fellow market stall holders, friends  of friends, people you meet in passing, and for some reason they seem to sum me up in a micro second.

I have been labelled many things, a slut, a whore, a marriage wrecker, a cold bitch, rude, a liar, a thief, you name it. And this is all based on lies and impressions created by people who don’t know me.

At one job I was having sex with everything with a penis and this was according to one person who had spoken no more that a dozen words to me in the time we work in the same place. In truth, I was married at the time, admittedly the marriage was failing, but the last thing I wanted was to complicate it with having sex with anyone else. I had a reputation and I didn’t have to do anything to gain it. I never understood why this woman had it in for me, she hated me and that was that. I even tried to be friendly with her as I do with any one I work with, but she wouldn’t have it.

I have a stepdaughter, whose mother has a problem with me. I have always, always had my stepdaughter’s best interests at heart. From day one I made an effort not to bring my own personal feelings into the situation and respect this woman as the mother of my husband’s child. But after the a couple of interactions at pick up and drop off, her attitude towards me became disrespectful and rude. I have never spoken a bad word about this woman to her daughter and have on occasion explained to my step daughter why her mother sometimes does the things she does. I keep my personal feelings out of it. But her mother has not had the same respect or consideration for me. We have had nothing but problems with her from the beginning and had to go through the legal system twice to ensure my husband was able to have a relationship with his child, because her mother did her level best to stop visitation. My husband has always paid his share of support even when he was not required by law to do so.

About 4 years ago I was accused of sharing conversations that took place in a class I was taking at the time with other people who were associated with the teacher and her little clique of friends. It turns out this group of friends were having problems and a lot of bitchiness and backstabbing was going on. I apparently was a spy for the “Other side” and I instigated a lot of the trouble that went on. I only knew 5 members of this inner circle and I was friends with just one. Out of the other 4, one I know longer spoke to and hadn’t for 12 months and the other 3 were in the class I was attending, 1 being the teacher.

Until this one class when there was a mega bitch session between the teacher and two of my classmates, about the rift within this group of friends, I was totally unaware of the issues they were having. I was ostracised and eventually left the course as I just felt unwelcome. I wanted to finish the course but with another class later but the teacher sent me a message inferring I was unwelcome.

And now I face a situation where a woman I don’t know and haven’t been introduced to, who attends the same Markets as I do, doesn’t like to be situated near me. The very first time I attended the same market, she spoke to the organiser and was very unhappy about not being informed of my presence at the market. And the funny thing, yes we do sell two similar items but two, soy candles and incense. And even now she is still making it me that is the problem. I just don’t understand why she has a problem with me.

At school one of my friends was spreading rumours behind my back and yet was as nice as pie to my face. I caught shingles one time which is a form of Chicken Pox, and I just happened to have it in my throat as well as on my body. Everyone was told I had Venereal disease in my throat from giving too many head jobs.

All my life this has happened to me. I sometimes wonder if I have a tattoo on my forehead that tells people I am a patsy for their bitchiness, or I give off this scent that just irritates some people.

I am an introvert, I am innately shy and have been most of my life. I try to be friendly and respectful. I may not always run up to people and introduce myself and fawn all over them but I try to get to know people. Some say these people feel threatened but Why? What is so special about me that they need to feel this way?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I have issues with trusting people. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and try not to give off the impression of mistrust. Even if my instincts are telling me this person may not be what they seem, I get to know them.

There are many days when I just want to pack up everything and move somewhere remote when I don’t have to put up with this judgement. If these people have an issue with me say something, talk it out with me, don’t be a complete arsehole about it. Take the time to get to know me first before you go shooting your mouth off about me.

I just don’t understand it. And it just gets frustrating and old after a while. Just leave me alone, I am no harm or threat to you. I am just someone who wants to go about my way without it affecting or hurting too many people.

Some say it is more about the other person than it is about me, and maybe that is true but why is it okay for these people to judge me based on their own issues and problems. Why is it okay for them to say hurtful and disparaging things about me?



A Narcissistic Mother

A Narcissistic Mother

In 2012 I found the many answers I searched for, for years. It took a few visits to ER with palpitations and other heart related symptoms and numerous tests later and I was advised to see a psychologist for evaluation. I am so glad I did. With the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) I discovered who I was and the gaping black hole inside was finally filled. My severe Anxiety and bouts of Depression were finally explained.

The best day of my life was walking into that private room to meet my psychologist Damien, he was my second saviour. My first being my Dad. We sat and talked and questions were asked, he set me homework and got me to do some tests. It was at this point I was totally stunned by the diagnosis. It never occurred to me that I could have a mental health issue.

Living with a feeling of never fitting in or belonging, a mother who could never open her heart to me, the constant criticism, never enough, the feelings of worthlessness, the constant need to please, the emptiness that plagued much of my life. I believed I was no good. Damien taught me some fantastic skills that freed me from my crippling anxiety, today I am able to go pretty much any where and have little or no anxiety.

Being diagnosed Borderline was like coming home, to me. I finally belonged, I finally felt complete. But something niggled at me. I have always been someone who must have answers, to know the why’s and wherefores of everything. I knew there was just one missing link to my life puzzle. I had to understand why I drew certain people into my life and why I chose the men I do.

The day I walked into Damien’s office I had begun a journey I knew would take me to some painful and heartbreaking times in my life. My instinct was telling me I had to do whatever it was to find the answers.

About a week ago I saw an article in my Facebook news feed that really caught my attention. I had read several articles, etc on this particular subject because I had been drawn to it at every turn.


I clicked on the link and found myself reading about the very person who gave birth to me and raised me, for want of a better word. In that moment I knew my mother could never have loved me, because she was incapable of love.

Narcissists are incapable of genuine unconditional love, they act and emote solely out of selfishness and self-involvement. There are the Narcissists who are arrogant and seem to succeed in life, those who have delusions of grandeur. But the worst and most insidious of the narcissists are the ones who hate themselves and inflict pain on others, deny their victims feelings and needs all to feel superior and get off on destroying another person. They have no conscience, and are incapable of any genuine kindness or love. These narcissists wear a mask of being kind and caring and humanitarian, they are hard to spot. Charm and charisma is their weapon against their victims. And they suck their victims dry of every ounce of self-esteem, independence and energy. They are the chameleons of the human world, wearing whatever mask they need in order to get their narcissistic supply. To the outside world they seem quite genuine and will fool even the most astute person into believing the lie they live.

I could write volumes about the Narcissists of the world.

What I want to say here is, once I realised the truth about my mother, I was finally free. I knew I could never be enough for my mother but that is okay with me. I never hurt my mother or judged her, I was never cruel toward her, I loved her with all my heart and I spent so much of my life punishing myself for her sins. I don’t hate my mother because the one thing I realise is she was a very damaged and broken individual. And I forgave her.

I don’t for one second, condone her treatment of me but I understand it. We all make choices about how we live our lives and treat others. Every decision we make or action we take is a choice, and we make these choices, etc based on what we know at the time. I learned as a child to cope with my childhood, in a dysfunctional way because it worked to appease my mother. But as an adult I continued to live this way, and I couldn’t understand why my life was as it was. It is because I made choices based on my set of coping skills from my child hood. I made the choice to continue as I had always done, instead of finding a different way of being.

In the last few years I have learned and had to discover new ways of coping and living, it has been extremely hard, but it has so been worth it. My father apologised for the way my mother was, he apologised for taking the easy way when it came to dealing with my mother, but the good thing about my dad, he more than made up for it after my mother died.

Some of the surprising things I have discovered about my mother, was she had four children. I had two brothers and one sister. But none of them were to my father in spite of her passing off the brother, I knew existed, as my father’s son. My eldest cousin turned out to be my eldest brother and when he reached out to get to know me, he was stopped. The one regret I have is not getting to know him, as he died in 1994.

The brother I grew up with turned out to be a child molester as I was his first victim. Recently I was able to confront him and put his abuse squarely back on his shoulders.

Letting go of the past is cathartic, it saved my life. I don’t hate anyone, I am able to look back and realise everything that happened made me who I am today. I am the strongest person I know, and I don’t give up. I know my father loved me unconditionally and I will always love him for that. I know I was loved, and I never failed anyone or let anyone down.

Healing is key.


Emotional Rescue

Emotional Rescue

Christmas this year has been particularly bad. I have no family to speak of other than my partner and his daughter. And his daughter is with her mother this year. No decorations went up, and we didn’t have a proper Chrissy dinner.

For some months now my partner has been running his own business, providing goods to both wholesale clients and the public via local markets. And in the beginning it was good. The money was coming in and life was starting to improve. But something seems to have gone wrong. At least with the market side of things.

Our summer weather in Australia can be quite hot and this does play havoc with the fruit and vegetables we sell. And it seems we have some competition. Last night, being Christmas Eve we attended a local market with the hope that people would be wanting to get some last-minute things before they head off on their holidays or to parties, and the like. But it wasn’t to be. I also make Scented Soy Candles and sell some Spiritual items that go great as gifts, which went well but definitely not enough to cover the money we lost on Fruit and Vege.

I suppose it has been coming for some time. My partner’s business is in trouble and we have a rather large debt because of it,aside from the personal ones we already have. And we have no way of paying this new one off. We will regroup after Christmas and make some decisions, in regards to the Markets. At this point I don’t know what to do.

We are really struggling and I fear we may have to resort to going bankrupt. This is something we have never done and wish not to ever do. But we may have no choice.

I am angry that this has happened. I know that it isn’t all up to bad luck and competition. There is some stubbornness and pig-headedness involved. I know I am in part to blame because I could have spoken up and very loudly. I always shared my thoughts and opinions on the issues we have had but, never really pushed it home to my partner.

I am so scared that we are going to lose everything. We need to move because we can no longer afford the rent we are paying but we have no savings, to fall back on. I hate this house because it has been so badly neglected by the owner and we have been left without any stove top facilities for 2+ years. I could go on about the problems with this current place we live in but, it would only frustrate me no end.

I am angry that I have allowed things to get so bad, but sometimes some people will not take sound advice based on years of being in business with my own family. I am angry that my partner kept flogging a dead horse for so long in the hope it would turn around.

I need to express my emotions at this time as being Borderline, it is so easy to let them overwhelm me and take over my life. I see so many people on social media enjoying Christmas and having great parties and family lunches and I am angry that we can’t be the same. I am frustrated with our situation and this has been going on for a long while now. It is such a stressful environment to be in, and it doesn’t help my Anxiety. I am so disappointed in my life and how it has turned out. So many issues to deal with, mentally, health wise, financially and personally. Life shouldn’t be this hard. I don’t deserve a life this hard and stressful.

The worst part with being a Borderline is we tend to get so caught up emotionally in what is happening that we tend to spiral down into a rut, and getting out is a struggle. I feel I am angry all the time and I need to do something about it. I am going to sit down with a notebook and a pencil and formulate some lists. Especially to do with the current issues we face, and detailed plans about how to fix them. Also I need to make up a list of what needs to be done in order to improve our lives and set out detailed steps we need to take. And most of all I need to shake myself out of this hole I find myself in and start making myself smile.


I need an emotional rescue.