It has been several months since my last post on here. And to be honest I really can’t say why? Not sure if I lost myself or just couldn’t be bothered. I really don’t know.
Life is just getting too hard. Where do I begin?
I am angry and frustrated that life is still a big shit pile of problems and debts. I am anxious because there is so much uncertainty. I have been working hard on myself and have realised I play the victim a lot of the time. Simply because I feel the need to justify why I feel the way I do. I feel I have to defend myself constantly and not sure if it is just old behavioural patterns so ingrained I can’t help falling back into old habits when things get tough, or just because it’s easier than doing the hard work and taking responsibility for my life.
Recently I spent a few days in hospital because of an antidepressant medication I was taking. I developed serotonin syndrome from taking Valium. The surprising part was I only ever took half the dose and only when I needed it. But leading up to my hospital stay a lot of stress was causing me to take it everyday. So now I have to live without it. And my other medication escitolapram isn’t enough to keep my anxiety at bay so I can function. I am okay at home by myself and with my cat, until my partner comes home and then I am on edge all the time till he goes to bed.
My partner is a source of much of my stress and problems. He lives life by the seat of his pants, with finances and his own wellbeing. He had a prescribed medication addiction as well as over the counter medication. And had just recently been labelled a doctor shopper because of it. I knew this would eventually happen, so he is the one who has to live with the consequences of his actions. Unfortunately this has impacted on our financial situation and that affects me. He is unemployable because he is accident prone and too arrogant to listen to his employers. And his attitude to wards money is terrible. His spending habits are so haphazard and spontaneous with no consideration for how to pay for things. If money is in his account he spends it, not considering that maybe tomorrow he has to make a car payment or loan payment.
I have realised I have a co-dependency issue with my relationship. I live with a narcissist who had systematically stripped me of my independence and self-esteem. And it happened on such a subtle level I was totally unaware of what was happening. I have always been such an independent and strong individual but I fear for my welfare if I leave him, because he has instilled in me a sense of fear that has crippled me.
I thought this man was the answer to my prayers, he was so kind and considerate and caring, but now he might as well be my prison guard and abuser. Which he is actually. Imagine living in a perpetual world of doubt and uncertainty, this is what I live every day. I suffer from PTSD along with BPD, Anxiety and bouts of Depression. This person has preyed on my mental health issues and has used them against me. That is what narcissists and sociopath do.
I find myself on a long road to recovery yet again. Not just with my self-esteem but with my health, my income and financial stability, my whole life. I have to heal from the abuse, build my self esteem and recover my life. I have no family to depend on, no car to get me out of here, no money and I am on a sickness benefit. I struggle to keep my home business going, and have resorted to doing online surveys for a bit of extra cash. I hate the life I have to live and the fact that my escape is something I have to work towards but I have no choice.
And so the struggle begins……..