Christmas this year has been particularly bad. I have no family to speak of other than my partner and his daughter. And his daughter is with her mother this year. No decorations went up, and we didn’t have a proper Chrissy dinner.

For some months now my partner has been running his own business, providing goods to both wholesale clients and the public via local markets. And in the beginning it was good. The money was coming in and life was starting to improve. But something seems to have gone wrong. At least with the market side of things.

Our summer weather in Australia can be quite hot and this does play havoc with the fruit and vegetables we sell. And it seems we have some competition. Last night, being Christmas Eve we attended a local market with the hope that people would be wanting to get some last-minute things before they head off on their holidays or to parties, and the like. But it wasn’t to be. I also make Scented Soy Candles and sell some Spiritual items that go great as gifts, which went well but definitely not enough to cover the money we lost on Fruit and Vege.

I suppose it has been coming for some time. My partner’s business is in trouble and we have a rather large debt because of it,aside from the personal ones we already have. And we have no way of paying this new one off. We will regroup after Christmas and make some decisions, in regards to the Markets. At this point I don’t know what to do.

We are really struggling and I fear we may have to resort to going bankrupt. This is something we have never done and wish not to ever do. But we may have no choice.

I am angry that this has happened. I know that it isn’t all up to bad luck and competition. There is some stubbornness and pig-headedness involved. I know I am in part to blame because I could have spoken up and very loudly. I always shared my thoughts and opinions on the issues we have had but, never really pushed it home to my partner.

I am so scared that we are going to lose everything. We need to move because we can no longer afford the rent we are paying but we have no savings, to fall back on. I hate this house because it has been so badly neglected by the owner and we have been left without any stove top facilities for 2+ years. I could go on about the problems with this current place we live in but, it would only frustrate me no end.

I am angry that I have allowed things to get so bad, but sometimes some people will not take sound advice based on years of being in business with my own family. I am angry that my partner kept flogging a dead horse for so long in the hope it would turn around.

I need to express my emotions at this time as being Borderline, it is so easy to let them overwhelm me and take over my life. I see so many people on social media enjoying Christmas and having great parties and family lunches and I am angry that we can’t be the same. I am frustrated with our situation and this has been going on for a long while now. It is such a stressful environment to be in, and it doesn’t help my Anxiety. I am so disappointed in my life and how it has turned out. So many issues to deal with, mentally, health wise, financially and personally. Life shouldn’t be this hard. I don’t deserve a life this hard and stressful.

The worst part with being a Borderline is we tend to get so caught up emotionally in what is happening that we tend to spiral down into a rut, and getting out is a struggle. I feel I am angry all the time and I need to do something about it. I am going to sit down with a notebook and a pencil and formulate some lists. Especially to do with the current issues we face, and detailed plans about how to fix them. Also I need to make up a list of what needs to be done in order to improve our lives and set out detailed steps we need to take. And most of all I need to shake myself out of this hole I find myself in and start making myself smile.

 

I need an emotional rescue.

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