Today I chose to message my nephew via Facebook. Having not spoken to him or seen him or his sisters in years, it was like talking to a complete stranger. A few months ago I did message him to wish him congratulations on his new house and recent engagement. I got a message back via his fiancée’s page that he wasn’t interested in contact with me as, to quote him, “I have made my choice now I have to live with it.”
The back story is I had chosen to walk away from his father and the only family I have left because I had always been confronted by judgement and ridicule. Imagine meeting your brother’s closest friends of more than 10 yrs and it was news to them that he even had a sister. And you were 40 years old.
Apart from the usual sibling arguments and petty jealousies, there is nothing really that I have ever done to my brother that could even justify his behaviour towards me. But the same could not be said for him. Truth is he molested me when I was 8, he was 14. According to the psychological field, He can’t be called a paedophile because he was under 16.
My mother caught him, so he can’t deny it happened. And as was the case back in the 60’s it was never reported. And no help was sought to deal with the emotional repercussions of this kind of abuse.
I always felt like I was not wanted in my brother’s life and he made an extra effort to keep me away from his children, his wife was the same. Any time I was in their company I felt compelled to defend myself and my behaviour, my choices in life and the men I became involved with. Or he showed intense jealousy when my life was going well. They even accused my ex-husband of being a child molester. The only time I can think of was, when our mother was rushed to hospital and passed away and he hadn’t been notified but that was due to my father being so busy between the hospital and our family business it slipped his mind. I asked my father if he wanted me to call my brother but dad reassured me he would call. If I had suspected he would forget I would have called straight away. My mother had been fighting cancer for over 2 years.
I have never been perfect and have made my fair share of mistakes, but I have never put the responsibility of my decisions on to anyone else.
So fast forward to today.
I shared a few home truths with my nephew and gave him a piece of my mind. My choice to finally walk away was a forgone conclusion, that decision was made for me a long time ago. And he now knows that. I also told him what his father did to me. Some people might consider what I said about his father was cruel and shouldn’t have been said. But his entire life he was told lies about me. And he and his sisters made a choice never to get to know me. And all three of them know their parents have lied to them in the past.
I felt bad that I had upset him months before by contacting my nephew but realised that this whole situation has come about because of a life time of lies and dishonesty on my brother’s part. I tried to do the right thing, and all I got was ridicule and judgement.
How can someone judge you when they don’t even know you? These people are my blood but they were always strangers to me. My nephew may not believe what I told him, but he will never be able to look at his father in the same way and the doubt will always be there. If this keeps his future children from their child molester of a grandfather, then I have save some precious lives today. I was too late for my nieces and their children but I can save some of them.
On a personal note I am now able to put all this to rest. I have done everything I can to save future generations, I have finally been able to let go of all the pain, guilt and fear. Closure is a magical creature that helps you to find peace. You may hurt people along the way but sometimes it has to be done.
Some will judge my actions today, but I am at peace with what I have done. If I have done the wrong thing, a higher power will be my judge, jury and executioner.