For a person like me relationships can be quite the minefield. My relationship with my mother was seriously dysfunctional, even at it’s best. My dad was a stranger to me most of my growing years. He figured it was best for me and my brother if he allowed my mother to rule the house. But that wasn’t the case. He was from the generation where couples stayed together in marriage for the sake of the kids. I was lucky to establish a loving and healthy relationship with my father after my mother died, which I still believe to this day, saved my life.
Emotional intimacy is such a foreign concept. I can honestly say I have only ever truly loved my animals and my father. This love comes without hesitation and is the most fulfilling for me. And when it comes to friends, social media allows me to be honest and more close to total strangers. I suppose I find it easier to hide behind the computer screen. Here I can disclose my darkest secrets and be open about my thoughts and feelings with out the fear of being judged by someone, or seeing that look of disgust or disappointment on their face. The look I got as a child from the one person who should have loved me, no matter what.
I have learned to let people in and to trust the right kinds of people though. I have friends who I would trust with my life. And trust is another big issue for me.
I have been married 3 times. And I have come to the realisation I should never have married. My judgement as far as men are concerned is not the best. And it isn’t all their fault. I chose men who were either abusive in some way or lie and keep the truth from me. They have been manipulative and, in some cases, controlling. I had taken the odd beating from the first husband until a realised I deserved much better. And I honestly believe with each relationship, I have improved. Being less tolerant of certain behaviours. I should have remained single with no long-term relationships. I found I settled for what I believed I deserved, having little self value makes one choose abusive and dysfunctional relationships. Each of my husbands have been boys who never grew up and learned how to be responsible adults, they never learned how to respect and value someone because they didn’t respect and value themselves.
Sex was easy for me. I was taught at a very young age that this was the way to get the one thing I needed and that was attention and love. But the kind of love and attention I got was not what I needed or deserved. Promiscuity was a way of life for me when I wasn’t in a relationship. If a man came into my life I was very quick to hop into bed with him. I attached myself very quickly and this is where the continual heartbreak came in to it. I found myself pursuing men who had no interest in me other than for sex for what they could get out of me, because this was the only thing I understood and mistook for love. Love to me was always pain and abuse. It was always about the other person and never about my needs.
I put myself in dangerous situations because I had so little self-care and self-respect. I still find myself in situations where I have so little freedom and independence. And the stupid thing, I put myself here. On a subconscious level I believed I was doing the right thing. I have had to learn to be sneaky and manipulative, I have had to learned to hide things all in the name of clawing back my independence and self-preservation.
I don’t know where I am headed or what I will be doing with my life in 2 years times let alone 10 years. But one thing I do need is to figure out what is best for me and do something about it. Not sit back and take the shit that is thrown at me and allow my frustration and resentment eat away at me.