The emotional Borderline

The last few weeks has been a struggle with a lot of anger for me. Attempting contact with a blood relative was what started it all initially.

For people with BPD it is hard to deal with emotions, unfortunately we have no filter for our emotions, we are often known to have unpredictable moods and can hang on to our pain and anger for a long time. In my case I tend to ignore my emotions and squash them down, hence the anxiety. I am classified as a numb Borderline.

For myself personally, I grieved for my beloved husky Hanz for 3 years. And when my father died it took me such a long time to deal with my grief. I pretty much bottled it up until it got too hard to do that. My life at the time was so overwhelmed with other issues that were not my own. Baggage that came with my partner was pretty much the issue.

Being told by my nephew recently, to basically leave them all alone, really cut deep. If I had been the horrible person I am perceived to be by them all, I could understand their behaviour and reactions. My brother told his entire family, lies about the past and kept me at arm’s length for most of our adult years.

I attended my niece’s 21st birthday breakfast some years ago, and met a couple who had been friends with my brother for more than 10 years. For the moment I will refer to my brother as S. The husband had served in the navy with my brother, so they knew each other quite well. He asked me how I knew S and his wife. My answer was that I had known S all my life, as I am his sister. This guy was shocked, he replied saying he never knew I existed. Now you have to ask yourself why my brother kept the fact that he had a sister, a secret from one of his closest friends for their entire friendship.

And why did my brother and sister-in-law refuse my many offers to babysit the kids so they could have a night out once in a while. And why was I never really invited to family occasions like Christmas and birthdays, anniversaries etc. Why was my current husband never acknowledged and they couldn’t even remember his name. And we have been together for 12 years, 10 of those married.

My Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder only happened 4 years ago and my Anxiety had been very manageable for most of my adult life. So mental health issues weren’t to blame. I don’t take drugs and only drink alcohol occasionally, I don’t gamble, I am not abusive or erratic in behaviour. I have been married three times, I didn’t have any children either in or out-of-wedlock. I have no criminal record, I have never broken the law, except for the occasional speeding fine. I have no bad habits that are detrimental to the wellbeing of any child. I have a 15-year-old Stepdaughter who loves me and accepts me as I am. I have worked for most of my adult life. I have helped my brother out financially on a few occasions in the past.

The answer to all this. I have a dirty little secret that my brother doesn’t want his family to know. He is a child molester, I know because he molested me when I was 8, he was 14. I hope and pray he never touched his daughters or any of their friends.

I realised recently I have been rejected by 4 generations of my family. And I don’t really know why.

My maternal grandmother and aunt told my father and I not to contact them any more after my mother died, because it was too upsetting. Apart from letters I sent to them both on many occasions, I had not seen my grandmother and aunt since I was 3 years old. They hardly knew me. I was eighteen, I was reaching out to my family. So why did they cut contact with me when they continued to keep in touch with my brother.

Then there is my mother, who was so emotionally damaged and had so many dirty little secrets that she was incapable of being there for me. She was verbally, physically and mentally abusive towards me for the entire 18 years of my life before she died of cancer.

We know why my brother rejected me. The incestuous abuse and bullying torture he put me through.

But then his three children have done the same. I struggled for years to get to know them all, to be a part of their lives and to be a good role model for them. But I was kept away. I only saw them when my father was living with me or when I visited Dad and they happened to be there. And when they became adults they never bothered to get to know me. I remember at my father’s funeral. All three of my brother’s children were sitting in the back crying, I went to them and comforted them while their father blubbered his heart out and totally ignored them. They were told lies and chose to believe them. They didn’t and still don’t know me and to be honest I don’t even know if they remember my name.

I gave up with them all about 5 years ago. I just couldn’t continue to be judged and disrespected every time I was with them. And the kids would just look at me like I was a total stranger and wouldn’t talk to me, they are all adults now two with families of their own. I don’t know what my brother has told them but whatever it is, it has done irreparable damage.

And the crazy part, being Borderline, I still think maybe I could have done something differently. What did I do wrong? for these people to reject me like they have.

Part of my therapy was being able to show my emotions and learn to deal with them in a healthy way. It is a struggle but I try to keep myself open to whatever I am feeling. I don’t deal well with rejection and I find it difficult to trust.

Maybe I am a bad person and I don’t even see it. Maybe I have done some pretty bad things that in their eyes is unforgivable. Maybe I have said such terrible things that I have destroyed them to their point where I can’t be a part of their lives. Maybe I am a narcissist and I can’t see it.?

 

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