Emotionally I have been struggling. And family is the reason for it. My mother passed away when I was eighteen and I struggled with that. I never felt like she loved me or accepted me. For years after I tried to comprehend what I had done to cause her to abandon me emotionally. I have since realised it wasn’t about me, my mother was so broken she didn’t know how to love.
Fast forward to today. Recently I did a family search on Ancestry. Memories started to come back to me and there were other things that confused me. I wondered why my mother never married until she was 32 and why she would have an affair with the same married American soldier, who was stationed in our home town, that her sister had been with and had a child out-of-wedlock. My auntie never had any more children. Why did my auntie give up her son to be adopted by his grandparents. I wondered why when my cousin wrote me a letter to get to know me, my mother did her utmost to stop that communication. I remember her also telling me she was close to my cousin and helped raise him. My grandfather always told my mother she was worthless and would see more dinner times than dinners.
With all these flashbacks I realised something. My cousin was my much older brother. My mother had an affair with a married American soldier for about 8 years. She had two children by him. Garfield born in 1943 and my sister, unnamed in 1950, who was stillborn. I have since named my sister Hope.
I have since discovered my brother Garfield died in 1994, he was 50.
In my heart I know he was my brother and yet again I was robbed of family.
I have another brother who was born in 1956, the result of an affair my mother had two weeks before she married my father. Stuart, who is still alive. We have not spoken for about close to 10 years. And the main reason, he sexually molested me when I was eight, and never took responsibility for what he did. He was a toxic part of my life.
Today I find myself alone. I am 54, I am married to a 39-year-old who had a 15-year-old daughter. This is my third marriage and just like the other two, it is faltering. I know I have bad judgement as far as men are concerned and I now realise I should never have married.
I lived my entire life based on lies told to me as a child, deception perpetrated by someone who I called my mother. I’m grieving for the brother I never got to know. And yet again I am angry because I was deprived of family. My father truly loved me, I know that, but he had to give up his fight for life back in 2004. He was a good man and he deserved to have a good life with people around him who loved him.
To my brother Garfield,
I am so sorry I was not there for you as a sister, I didn’t know we were family. I wish I had gotten to know you. I believe we were a lot a like, and we would have been great friends. I miss you and am blessed to have had you apart of my life however briefly.
Love always your baby sister Glenda